If you are familiar with my story, you know that I have gone through utterly tragic battles to become a mother. From years and years of IVF’s to climbing the mountains to find the holy man with magic potion. You name it, I’ve done it…
In my first marriage there was so much focus around having a baby that eventually it just tore us apart. I lost whole lot of self-worth and confidence while trying to get pregnant. I found my infertility as guilt, inadequacy and failure.
I ended up leaving Australia and moved back to Finland. I started my life from the scratch …and as I look back, I feel solely gratitude and acceptance for the prior. I understand why it turned out as it did.
I turned 40 this year and as I step into the next chapter of my life, I feel confident and open. My old wounds have been healing and I can finally surrender to the beauty of presence. I feel like I have it all – Love, Family, Home, Friends, Yoga – I am lucky and incredibly happy. Getting married in a month to love of my life, becoming a step-mom to a beautiful girl. Watching my adorable nieces and nephews grow up.
Not raising a child of my own, but helping to bring up wonderful little souls in my life.
For years I was bombarded with the social expectations and illusions of not fulfilling my job as a woman without having a biological child. I was haunted by the myth of the motherhood as “motherhood” is considered the primary role for woman.
In the depths of these illusions I had forgotten what motherhood actually means.
Motherhood isn’t a fertile womb. It’s not perfection nor purity, but rather warmth, attendance, empathy, silent tears and imperfections. There is no defined look or way. No rights and wrongs.
Motherhood is in all of us. In every woman!
It took me a long time to embrace the fact that in this lifetime I will be a my own version of mother.
When I snuggle up in a bed with my dog, I’m a mother. When I clean the eyes of the stray kittens I found in a jungle, I’m a mother. When I pick up a litter to protect our earth, hug a tree or water my plants, I’m a mother. When I comfort a distressed person, I’m a mother. When I guide my students in a meditation with a soft and caring voice, I’m a mother.
I’m a mother in the way I was meant to be.
Once a yoga student who had heard about my story came to me after class. She hugged me and whispered “You are mother to all of us. You do know that?”.
I keep returning to these words often.
Being childless doesn’t mean you’re not a mother, it means that you end up nurturing and providing guidance a bit differently. There are so many faces to motherhood. There are mothers with child, there are mothers who has lost their baby. There are mothers who have adopted a baby or mothers who take care of other peoples children. There is exactly as many embodiment’s of motherhood as there are women.
There is no childless women, mostly mothers without portfolios …Mothers at heart 💖
Love & Light
I was trying out the healing hypnosis last night. It’s a technique where you use white light to heal your condition and also ask your spirit guides for answers about the recovery and the aftermath. So there I was, trying to practise self-hypnosis on myself …to be honest I’m a girl of meditation rather than the hypnosis, but what the hell, I’ve tried everything, so might just give this one a shot. I was dying to hear the answer to my question “when will I be healed, when will we have a little bundle of joy?”, but there was only silence, nothing, absolutely nothing. Not a image, not a sound, I’m pretty sure that even the wind stopped blowing for a while… This morning I woke up and there was such sense of pure anger, unbearable misery and heartbreaking sadness. It was like all the demons of denial had been released.
And I knew what that feeling was… For the very first time in my life I felt tired of this constant limbo and heartache. I realised, that there might be a possibility that my life will never involve motherhood. What if all those caring wishes of “you will get there and you will be an incredible mother” from my loved ones won’t come true? What if?
Since the day that I met my husband, I have been sure that I want to have a family. And even though for years we have struggled with infertility, there hasn’t been one second, that I’ve lost my faith. Not once have I thought “What if I’m never going to carry a child?” Even though we have had our fair share of setbacks, I have never accepted the fact, that we might just end up childless…
My faith has been the reason why I have never really got down in gutter after failed IVFs, but this morning I was faithless, all there was left was fear and fury…
One our very first cycle of IVF years ago, we nailed it. I thought it wouldn’t happen so soon… but as my husband kept begging me to take the pregnancy test, I did, and the result came back positive. I ran to the hospital, to confirm these news with my doctor, and yes, we were on our way to become parents. Weeks went by and I kept visiting my doctor while staying in Finland, to afraid to fly on my first trimester. My husband was working at mines back in Australia, but we would talk on phone constantly, blessed with our great news. Everything was going so well, we were the happiest couple in the universe… We were expecting a baby.
As my stay in Finland was getting longer, I had to took on my previous job at the restaurant where I used to work. I felt guilty for my hubby doing all the hard work, and I wanted to contribute to our piggy bank. As I was rushing around at work, uncoordinated as a giraffe at the hip-hop class, I slipt, and fell on my back. I thought it was nothing, but later that day with a tiny bit of a pain, I noticed some bleeding “downstairs”. I thought it was just something that might occur while your pregnant and really didn’t took it that serious. But I still booked in to check up with my doctor the next day.
I was filled with excitement and euphoria as I was sitting at the hospital with my mother, so eager to know how our little one was doing. I had my husband on the phone all the way from Australia, Kalgoorlie, where he was sitting at the local tavern ready to order his mates around just to celebrate our dreams becoming true.
The doctor called me in, and I was over the moon. I got ready, the doctor spread the gel on my tummy and started to move the sensor over it. I was staring at her with the wackiest smile on my face, but there was no echo to my smile. I started to get bit jittery as I was looking for any answers from my doctors concerned face. But suddenly she said in an insensitive tone, the most horrible words any expecting mom-to-be can hear, “The heartbeat is gone. There is no more baby”. That’s all! No explanation, no “My Condolences”… no more nothing. Maybe she was still talking, I don’t know, everything became silent, my heart stopped and I had never felt that lost. I didn’t know what to do from there on, where to go, but I knew that it was only getting worse, as on the other side of the world, he was waiting to hear back from us. I didn’t wanted to accept the fact that we had lost our baby, but I needed to pick up the phone and let my husband know what just happened. I called him, and as I repeated the words, that the doctor had told me, my heart shattered from thousands of pieces into millions. I had now also broken my husband’s heart…
Years went by, more unsuccessful IVFs were done… and then we decided to take a short break. We needed to start to pay back all the IVF loans, I needed to let my body recover from the treatments and focus on my passion and career, yoga.
Last year in India, I was staying in an Ashram at Mysore, completing my studies of Advanced Yoga Teacher degree. It was just another disciplined day of yoga and lectures, but I couldn’t sleep that night, I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t breath correctly. There was a huge obstacle in my lungs that stopped me from taking that deep breath. I told one of the teachers, as she is also a yoga therapist and a master in reiki healing. She took me to my room, and laid me down on my bed. She started the energy healing, gently moving her hands just above my body. Suddenly she stopped and she told me that even though she never talks during the procedure, she has an important message from a little soul. She said the words, that few other healers had told me. There is a soul of child that desperately hangs onto me, not letting me go and this little one has a message to me, “forgive yourself”… I knew exactly what she was talking about. Since the day I fell in that restaurant, I have been blaming myself. And even though I’m the biggest fan of forgiveness, I had forbidden the forgiveness from myself. And I was starting to feel the symptoms of self-poisoning. It was time to free myself, so I cried and cried, as I opened my heart for compassion and mercy. I fell asleep, after all the sobbing and when I woke up, I took the deepest breath in …there was no more obstacles.
No matter how close I get to the edge, or how bad it hurts, the sun will rise again tomorrow, the flowers will bloom in spring time and I have person in my life who’ll do everything to see me smile. How can I lose my hope with such a loving human being by my side.
Later this afternoon, I opened up the instagram, and the first post that came up, said:” Everything happens at the right moment, be patient.” I collapsed down, and I cried, feeling more and more liberated from the heartache. Maybe, just maybe, there is a reason in all of this waiting…
I love great mythological stories of ancient goddesses. I think I got it from my father, as he adored roman mythology and named me after the goddess of woodlands, wild animals, moon and hunting, Diana. Considered that Diana was a virgin hunting goddess of childbirth, my father hit the note pretty far… As I’m against hunting, I don’t have kids and I’m definitely not a virgin.But there is something truly magical about ancient goddesses.
Since I was a little girl I have been so inspired by the beauty of Aphrodite, the wisdom and strength of Athena, the nurturing Diana and majestic Hera.
Goddess to me is someone who is big-hearted and never will she make others feel less than they are, instead she lifts them up. She is forgiving, and never judgmental. She is beautiful from inside and sees beauty in others, even though they wouldn’t see it themselves.
I think that the divine lies inside of us and all the beauty of goddesses is part of our true nature. So we should aim to use their qualities in our every day life.
There are some peoples in my life that have combined these divine qualities into their daily lives in most beautiful way.
One of them is my beautiful mother. Her presence represents the quality of pure strength. She is the strongest woman I know. A rock to our family. A woman with a drive and with spectacular confidence in her experience. A true Viking woman. She has used the stones that life has thrown her to build a strong foundation and my admiration toward this quality is endless.
An other divine feature in a woman is being a leader, and I must say, that I’m lucky enough to have the most amazing mother-in-law as she represents a true leader to me. She leads us towards happiness and inspires me on so many levels. She is someone that is elegant, softly spoken, and she actually speaks like the queen of England, or at least the way queen of England should speak! She’s someone who smiles sincerely and talks with kindness. She cares, and offers a shoulder to cry on. A true supporter and an encourager.
I feel so grateful to have such characters to guide me in my life.
How can I be more like Goddess in my relationship?
As the goddesses in all different cultures have shown us, we are the power that balances masculinity, we are the foundation to our husbands and families.
But to be a goddess, you must remember that you should never compete with your man, our power lies in our softness, and in our subtle way of effecting them behind the scenes. It’s our softness and intimacy that keeps melting their hearts.
We should never loose our femininity as that’s where the relationships starts to crack, the balance is gone when the partners forget that men are men and women are women.
Don’t blame your man for not doing all these amazing things what he did, when you first met. He needs to be motivated to do these things, and the lack of motivation is something we can blame ourselves for. The biggest mistake we make is that we start to take others for granted. We rely to heavily on our man to make us happy, we become to needy and paranoid. And we are trying to stay in control by controlling our partners. Instead of being a psycho “What he does, where he goes, who’s he with?”, be supportive and nurturing, in a healthy way, not the creepy smothering way… Be the kind of a woman, that makes him feel he can accomplish anything!
There’s nothing better than movie nights while wearing your baggy overalls, cuddling on a sofa, but don’t forget to spoil him sometimes by wearing your sexiest dress, letting your hair down, spritzing on your favourite perfume and seducing him with passion and grace like on the night you first met him.
I can remember my first date with my hubby like yesterday… I spent hours in front of the mirror getting ready for a date and had an anxiety attack every time his hand touched mine. So much fun!
But of coarse no relationship is only dancing on sunflower pedals and even the sweetest couples fight. It’s ok, you fight and you learn something about that person. It’s also a way to practise forgiveness and acceptance and through making up learning to understand that your relationship is more important than your differences. But there is better ways to practise forgiveness than trying to start a fight by picking on our partners flaws.
I must admit that I can be a little spicy sometimes, as I’m half Georgian, and have the temper of a jackal!
And stingy things are said in anger, words we don’t mean and words that our partners definitely doesn’t deserve. So next time when you see red, hold back, count to ten, walk away and sync in with your core values and compassion.
I saw this documentary once, where a 80 year old Thai man was asked what’s his secret to 60 years of happy marriage, he replied that the talent of letting her wife be right, even though she isn’t. That’s sums it up pretty well…
“Be selective in your battles, for sometimes peace is better than being right”
I used to work in a restaurant and I saw lots of couples on their dates.
And it breaks my heart when I see a beautiful couple having a romantic dinner, scrolling down their phones, reading other people’s status updates and hardly saying anything to each other. For God’s sake… Put down the phone and look each other in the eyes!
Even though you’ve been together for years, listen, react and stay present! Touch him, and show him that you are so lucky to be his partner. Put your whole heart into these moments, and make your spirit obvious. As your spirit is a crucial part of your appeal and it will always outshines your physical beauty. No matter how many extensions you have in your nails, eyelashes or boobs, physical beauty fades, but your spirit will always be there. And if you learn to use your your spirit right you can charm anyone.
How to connect with our inner goddess?
I find meditation to be the best way to get in contact with my inner goddess, to become peaceful, confident and better person. Even a 10 minute meditation per day can make a huge difference.
So try this out:
Sit in a cross legged position or in the chair if it feels more comfortable. Find a peaceful place.
With closed eyes and with your hands on your knees, clear your mind and take few deep breaths. Then start focusing on your breath. Breathing naturally, but noticing every inhale and exhale. If your mind starts to wonder, just bring it back to your breathing. Also focusing your mind on a mantra helps. So just repeat in your head a mantra, like ” I’m happy” or “Om”.
Another nice one is open-eye meditation, where you place a meaningful object in front of you, preferably on your eye level, so you won’t strain your neck. It can be a candle, flower or a small divine photo or a statue and focus your gaze on it.
If your mind is busy and it’s hard to concentrate, try some awesome guided meditations on YouTube. You can set yourself a timer, as it is easy to loose the track of time.
So that’s my little story for today, I hope you found some inspiration in it.
I’ll carry on and try my best to achieve some of the goddess like qualities. So I can be a better person, living authentically and honestly in purity, peace and charm.