The different faces of Motherhood

 

If you are familiar with my story, you know that I have gone through utterly tragic battles to become a mother. From years and years of IVF’s to climbing the mountains to find the holy man with magic potion. You name it, I’ve done it…

In my first marriage there was so much focus around having a baby that eventually it just tore us apart. I lost whole lot of self-worth and confidence while trying to get pregnant. I found my infertility as guilt, inadequacy and failure.

I ended up leaving Australia and moved back to Finland. I started my life from the scratch …and as I look back, I feel solely gratitude and acceptance for the prior. I understand why it turned out as it did.

I turned 40 this year and as I step into the next chapter of my life, I feel confident and open. My old wounds have been healing and I can finally surrender to the beauty of presence. I feel like I have it all – Love, Family, Home, Friends, Yoga – I am lucky and incredibly happy. Getting married in a month to love of my life, becoming a step-mom to a beautiful girl. Watching my adorable nieces and nephews grow up.

Not raising a child of my own, but helping to bring up wonderful little souls in my life.

For years I was bombarded with the social expectations and illusions of not fulfilling my job as a woman without having a biological child. I was haunted by the myth of the motherhood as “motherhood” is considered the primary role for woman.

In the depths of these illusions I had forgotten what motherhood actually means.

Motherhood isn’t a fertile womb. It’s not perfection nor purity, but rather warmth, attendance, empathy, silent tears and imperfections. There is no defined look or way. No rights and wrongs.

Motherhood is in all of us. In every woman!

It took me a long time to embrace the fact that in this lifetime I will be a my own version of mother.

When I snuggle up in a bed with my dog, I’m a mother. When I clean the eyes of the stray kittens I found in a jungle, I’m a mother. When I pick up a litter to protect our earth, hug a tree or water my plants, I’m a mother. When I comfort a distressed person, I’m a mother. When I guide my students in a meditation with a soft and caring voice, I’m a mother.

I’m a mother in the way I was meant to be.

Once a yoga student who had heard about my story came to me after class. She hugged me and whispered “You are mother to all of us. You do know that?”.

I keep returning to these words often.

Being childless doesn’t mean you’re not a mother, it means that you end up nurturing and providing guidance a bit differently. There are so many faces to motherhood. There are mothers with child, there are mothers who has lost their baby. There are mothers who have adopted a baby or mothers who take care of other peoples children. There is exactly as many embodiment’s of motherhood as there are women.

There is no childless women, mostly mothers without portfolios …Mothers at heart 💖

Love & Light

Diana

 

From faith to fury…

I was trying out the healing hypnosis last night. It’s a technique where you use white light to heal your condition and also ask your spirit guides for answers about the recovery and the aftermath. So there I was, trying to practise self-hypnosis on myself …to be honest I’m a girl of meditation rather than the hypnosis, but what the hell, I’ve tried everything, so might just give this one a shot. I was dying to hear the answer to my question “when will I be healed, when will we have a little bundle of joy?”, but there was only silence, nothing, absolutely nothing. Not a image, not a sound, I’m pretty sure that even the wind stopped blowing for a while… This morning I woke up and there was such sense of pure anger, unbearable misery and heartbreaking sadness. It was like all the demons of denial had been released.

And I knew what that feeling was… For the very first time in my life I felt tired of this constant limbo and heartache. I realised, that there might be a possibility that my life will never involve motherhood. What if all those caring wishes of “you will get there and you will be an incredible mother” from my loved ones won’t come true? What if?

Since the day that I met my husband, I have been sure that I want to have a family. And even though for years we have struggled with infertility, there hasn’t been one second, that I’ve lost my faith. Not once have I thought “What if I’m never going to carry a child?” Even though we have had our fair share of setbacks, I have never accepted the fact, that we might just end up childless…

My faith has been the reason why I have never really got down in gutter after failed IVFs, but this morning I was faithless, all there was left was fear and fury…

One our very first cycle of IVF years ago, we nailed it. I thought it wouldn’t happen so soon… but as my husband kept begging me to take the pregnancy test, I did, and the result came back positive. I ran to the hospital, to confirm these news with my doctor, and yes, we were on our way to become parents. Weeks went by and I kept visiting my doctor while staying in Finland, to afraid to fly on my first trimester. My husband was working at mines back in Australia, but we would talk on phone constantly, blessed with our great news. Everything was going so well, we were the happiest couple in the universe… We were expecting a baby.

As my stay in Finland was getting longer, I had to took on my previous job at the restaurant where I used to work. I felt guilty for my hubby doing all the hard work, and I wanted to contribute to our piggy bank.  As I was rushing around at work, uncoordinated as a giraffe at the hip-hop class, I slipt, and fell on my back. I thought it was nothing, but later that day with a tiny bit of a pain, I noticed some bleeding “downstairs”. I thought it was just something that might occur while your pregnant and really didn’t took it that serious. But I still booked in to check up with my doctor the next day.

I was filled with excitement and euphoria as I was sitting at the hospital with my mother, so eager to know how our little one was doing. I had my husband on the phone all the way from Australia, Kalgoorlie, where he was sitting at the local tavern ready to order his mates around just to celebrate our dreams becoming true.

The doctor called me in, and I was over the moon. I got ready, the doctor spread the gel on my tummy and started to move the sensor over it. I was staring at her with the wackiest smile on my face, but there was no echo to my smile. I started to get bit jittery as I was looking for any answers from my doctors concerned face. But suddenly she said in an insensitive tone, the most horrible words any expecting mom-to-be can hear, “The heartbeat is gone. There is no more baby”. That’s all! No explanation, no “My Condolences”… no more nothing. Maybe she was still talking, I don’t know, everything became silent, my heart stopped and I had never felt that lost. I didn’t know what to do from there on, where to go, but I knew that it was only getting worse, as on the other side of the world, he was waiting to hear back from us. I didn’t wanted to accept the fact that we had lost our baby, but I needed to pick up the phone and let my husband know what just happened. I called him, and as I repeated the words, that the doctor had told me, my heart shattered from thousands of pieces into millions. I had now also broken my husband’s heart…

Years went by, more unsuccessful IVFs were done… and then we decided to take a short break. We needed to start to pay back all the IVF loans, I needed to let my body recover from the treatments and focus on my passion and career, yoga.

Last year in India, I was staying in an Ashram at Mysore, completing my studies of Advanced Yoga Teacher degree. It was just another disciplined day of yoga and lectures, but I couldn’t sleep that night, I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t breath correctly. There was a huge obstacle in my lungs that stopped me from taking that deep breath. I told one of the teachers, as she is also a yoga therapist and a master in reiki healing. She took me to my room, and laid me down on my bed. She started the energy healing, gently moving her hands just above my body. Suddenly she stopped and she told me that even though she never talks during the procedure, she has an important message from a little soul. She said the words, that few other healers had told me. There is a soul of child that desperately hangs onto me, not letting me go and this little one has a message to me, “forgive yourself”… I knew exactly what she was talking about. Since the day I fell in that restaurant, I have been blaming myself. And even though I’m the biggest fan of forgiveness, I had forbidden the forgiveness from myself. And I was starting to feel the symptoms of self-poisoning.  It was time to free myself, so I cried and cried, as I opened my heart for compassion and mercy. I fell asleep, after all the sobbing and when I woke up, I took the deepest breath in …there was no more obstacles.

losing-a-pregnancy1

No matter how close I get to the edge, or how bad it hurts, the sun will rise again tomorrow, the flowers will bloom in spring time and I have person in my life who’ll do everything to see me smile. How can I lose my hope with such a loving human being by my side.

Later this afternoon, I opened up the instagram, and the first post that came up, said:” Everything happens at the right moment, be patient.” I collapsed down, and I cried, feeling more and more liberated from the heartache. Maybe, just maybe, there is a reason in all of this waiting…

Yours sincerely,

Diana