My Story




It’s 29th of March, 2015.
I’m sitting on a plane to Singapore, bored as can be and I have an epiphany…
I shall start a blog! I don’t want to call it a blog as I’m not your typical blogger. 
I’m as spontaneous as a thunder and as weird as a Siberian summer. 
I write this as my diary, or maybe just as some funny and weird scribbles of life, yoga, health, hardships and the things that I’m grateful for…
 All I know is, that someone once said that its healthy to write about your thoughts and that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m going to be healthy! 
 If someone can find something helpful, or motivating, or maybe just even a laughter from my obviously disturbed sense of humour than thats great 🙂
Namaste
Diana 

 

Talking taboos or suffering in silence?

For years I have been very honest about my infertility. I have taken my mess and made it my message. And every time I do so several people reach out to me and share their personal experience about this heartbreaking journey. 99,9% of these messages are private witch proves the point that infertility is still a taboo and most of us choose to suffer in silence. But considering from the amount of response I get, I can see how many people really want to talk, cry or even laugh over their struggles of infertility. 

I got married two days ago and I’m over the moon, feeling ridiculously happy and complete. There was a moment though at the beginning of the ceremony that got me thinking. The priest started the speech with words: “The purpose of marriage for the individual is to start a family and create a happy home. The social purpose, in turn, is reproduction to preserve society.” 

Wedding Day

I felt like I got punched in the stomach. I knew I shouldn’t have. I knew that these are nothing but words, by someone who doesn’t have a clue of who I am.  But this is my biggest weak point.  This topic silently slits my scars open and leaves me gasping for air. 

So in a nutshell: I suffer from unexplained infertility. There’s no reason for my inability to get pregnant. Everything works, but nothing works. After nearly five years of failed infertility treatments and one miscarriage me and my ex-husband called it quits… in everything. 

I think its a widely held expectation that if and when we choose to, we are able to have a family. Person not having a kid by their forties is considered somewhat a diseased outlaw, who is not doing their part “going forth and multiplying”. This is also the root for why so many infertile couples hide the problem.  Thinking that they have failed. Living day in day out with pain and loss. Feeling ashamed about something that isn’t their fault and they have no control over. Infertility – it’s the loneliest disease.

Somehow I find it important to bring more awareness to this avoided topic; for the society to understand the impact of the problem. It’s a disease that 1 out of 6 couples have to battle with and a disease that not many people know about unless they have dealt with it. I want people who suffer with it to know that they are not alone and people who know nothing about infertility to learn to respond better. I know that this is just because people don’t know what to say, but that awkward silence and quick change of topic is getting a bit old. I wish people would actually listen and look beyond the empty lap with compassion and awareness.

I understand that most of us don’t feel eager to talk about infertility, cause such exposure can add up to the pain. There is also a lot of shame around the topic, because pregnancy should be natural thing, and the moment it becomes a challenge, person feels inadequate. Sometimes even when you wish to talk about your infertility, it’s not easy. Cause let’s be serious, when is it ever a good moment to talk about the sperm count or motility, the state of your ovaries or insemination? While having a banana split with your friends?

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I find that for me sharing my story and breaking taboos is part of healing. So I hope you give it a try, if it feels like a right thing to do. Let’s create a safe place, where discussion and support is recognized.

Love & Light

Diana

 

Create your own calm…

The crisis in the world teach us a lot about staying calm and patient instead of panicking. That’s what crisis do, they stop us so we have to breathe and observe what really matters.

But sometimes only the idea of slowing down feels overwhelming. All the chronic rushing and achieving keeps us on the constant fight or flight mode.

Today we are going to learn the importance of stillness and talk about few easy techniques.

Now turn off your phone, close your eyes and your mouth. Sit quietly in a comfortable position and stay there for 3 minutes without doing anything. Externally nothing happens, but the benefits internally are massive.

First step of meditation isn’t harder than this. It might feel challenging though as we are not used to stillness.

Studies show that already three minutes of calming down has a positive impact to brain chemistry.

As the living condition have radically changed pass these 20 years. Mindfulness practise is necessity for everyone not an alternative lifestyle for some hippies. The strain on our brain has increased massively, yet biologically we have the same brain capacity as humankind had 50000 years ago.

The estimate is that our brain can handle exact same amount of stress as a caveman, which is forty stress reactions per day. Caveman freaked out and stressed as there was few dinosaurs running after him, and his brain recovered when the threat was over.

Modern day man gets stressed as a car drives pass or the phone rings at the middle of the dinner and he doesn’t necessarily recover that fast as there’s constant stimulants and the flood of signals is never ending.

Our brains has around 40 000 stress reactions daily. These stimulants come from computer screens, phones, traffic, our work places, etc.

Do you understand now, why it’s so important for us to slow down and withdraw into silence?

There’s a five point method I’d like you to try: Breath, be quiet, stay positive, smile and accept.

Deep BREATHING reduces stress fast. Especially exaggerated and long exhalation helps to calm anxious mind and relax the body.

Deep breathing helps us to QUIET DOWN. This power couple supports each other.

STAYING POSITIVE betters the quality of life and works as antidote for negative thinking. Our brain tends to get stuck at stress-mode, thinking about undone projects and things that might go wrong. So “positive thinking” is actually a practise as a practise on your yoga mat. It’s not easy, but it releases a lot of assets.

SMILE has such incredible strength! It was one of the earliest thing humankind learnt to use, and to this day it is a power signal to calm the world around us. It connect us, as smiling looks the same in all the cultures. In China smiling meditation has been a thing for thousands of years.

ACCEPTANCE is something that drives us on, regardless of hardship in life. For example if you suffer from insomnia, accepting the fact that you are going to wake up during the night is a big help. Acceptance is calming and can help you to fall back to sleep faster. Anger doesn’t abate with anger, but accepting the anger could reduce it.

Acceptance also helps with meditation. If you rebel against stillness, thinking you cannot meditate, it becomes harder. It’s a brutal fact, starting meditation ain’t gonna be that easy! Just accept this: you don’t have to do anything and if the enlightenment happens that’s great, but if not, at least you gave your brains a bit of a break from all the rush.

So take these five keys and let them give you the strength you’re looking for. Better immunity, more energy, balanced life, inner calmness… All these benefits, while you just sit and do nothing.

Love and light

Diaba

Smile, my favorite medicine!

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If you ask pretty much anyone who knows me to describe what I’m like, you’d possibly get an answer like “happy person” or a “contagiously goofy smiler”. This is something that I’ve heard about myself since I was little, and I couldn’t ask for a lovelier description. I might not be the prettiest duckling in the row and I might have few lines in the corners of my eyes, permanent marks of my happiness, but what the hell? If my wrinkles come from smiling in the sun, than I don’t care.

Smile, the universal symbol of happiness, the sign of infinite love in our hearts!

I love smiling! I love that moment when I’m looking into someone’s eyes and they smile back at me. I love the sense of balance that smiling gives me. I honestly believe it’s the most powerful, yet most underrated ability we possess. And that most of us don’t even realise what we can achieve by smiling more often.

If you’ve been to my yoga classes, you know that I equally remind you guys about the importance of breathing and the importance of smiling. Even when your limbs are shaking in a warrior pose, I keep telling you to smile, to trick the brain to think you’re enjoying the moment. The power of smile!

Don’t believe me? Try it out. Just close your eyes for a second, you might feel neutral right now, but bring a smile to your face, maybe try visualising someone/something that makes you smile. Can you feel it? That lovely fuzzy feeling in the bottom of your belly rising. Can you feel the energy change as you turn the corners of your mouth upwards? Still not feeling it? Well, go to a mirror and look at yourself, and smile! Don’t force the smile, but allow it to arise, feeling the cheeks rise and the eyes smile too. Maybe wink to yourself and whisper ” You are spectacular”. Can you feel it now?

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Smile? Hot or Not?

Sadly, I have heard and read few times now, that if you want to look younger you should stop smiling. If you want to seem more successful or physically imposing don’t expose those pearly whites. And to avoid horrible photos, you shouldn’t smile, as they bring out all the wrinkles! I curse in chosen situations… but WTF! Absolute bollocks! I think that a frowny face just doesn’t suit anyone. Smile just generally makes people look more attractive, and even research has proven that we find others more attractive when they are wearing a smile. They are more approachable, forgivable,  friendly and trustworthy.

Smile to Feel Good!

Striking a smile makes you feel better! Studies show that smiling releases serotonin – a neurotransmitter that produces feelings of happiness and wellbeing. One smile stimulates the human brain the same amount as eating up to 2000 bars of chocolate, how cool is that? “Smile and you feel happy, you feel happy and you smile!” Even when you’re not feeling great, fake it till you make it, try smiling, genuinely, and see how you feel! While at home, walking around or standing in line, I tend to smile, doing my own little research. Observing what happens within me when I’m smiling regardless if I’m feeling happy or down, and also observing how people react to me when they walk by. I highly recommend it. No matter what’s going on in your life, smile! So often we battle through our days, struggling, waiting for something to happen to cheer us up, forgetting that we are our own cheerleaders.

Smile Smile Smile!

Tap into your superpower now, make yourself and the people around you feel better. Get out there groover and smile your socks off! Smile at yourself, smile at others, lovers and strangers! Do whatever makes your soul sing and do it with a smile on your face!

Love and light

Diana

What’s your Dharma..?

"We know we are in Dharma when we cannot think of anything else we would rather be doing with our life." David Simon

Arghh, this recovery time from operation, and bed rest has got me thinking, how incredibly much I miss teaching my yoga classes. I miss my Dharma. It's a weird feeling, like missing a limb …like I'm incomplete.

Back in my early twenties, I had it all figured out… Partying was my Dharma, and I wasn't suppose to live to see my golden years, I mean my thirties… So simple. But then the bloody hangovers arrived, and I suddenly figured it out… There's gotta be something more? What is the purpose of all this? Why do I keep surviving these insane hangovers?

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Like any social rebel without a fear of death, I thought it would be just best for me to reside to India for a while. I started to hopelessly ramble on that pathless path to find the unknown. There was still bit partying, obviously I couldn't ditch that old Dharma so quickly and I was living half of the time in Goa, with lifetime hippies. But slowly my eyes started to open, mostly the third eye, and I could actually see my purpose a bit more clearly. Every day since that journey, I started to get closer and closer to my real Dharma.

It took years though. Finding one's Dharma is unfortunately not that easy… At least not as easy as it was for Greg (inside joke for all the "Dharma & Greg" fans). I was working in bars, hospitals, even as a sales girl in a fashion boutique, had fun with my friends, and I was happy, but I still felt that there was something missing. I never felt quite myself at any of the past careers I have held. I also never felt that what I was doing was making some sort of difference in this world.

My life, as I knew it, ended as I turned thirty. Complete flip-flop. I met my husband on one of my worldly adventures, moved from Finland to Australia and started my life from complete scratch. I had occasional panic attacks, freaking out about what am I going to do next. I'm living in Australia, in a country where every creature is pretty much lethal. I didn't know anyone, and my husband worked as FIFO, so I barely saw him. It took me ages to get confident, actually it took me ages to lift up the toilet seat without a mop, because I was sure that the crocodiles are plotting my murder in the plumbing.

That was the time when I decided to shed my paranoias and turn to my lifelong love, yoga. I really added some serious Asana practise to my everyday life. After I noticed how much confidence and calmness it provided me with, I pretty much lived on my mat.

There has been so many dreams and goals in my life, but deep inside I always wanted to be a yoga teacher. I just knew that it would be something that I would do with such passion and dedication. I started teaching close friends and family, and I loved every second of it.

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I was on my second journey to India – this time already on the path to my true Dharma – at the yoga teacher training. One day my teacher pulled me aside, and asked me to sit down with him away from all the hustle and bustle of school. He was a highly respected guru, and he didn't spend much time chatting with students on the park benches, so I felt really humbled. He looked into my eyes, and said that my Dharma is to bring happiness to people's lives, to make them smile.

I was overwhelmed with happiness, cause I knew it already. I have had so many different interests, I have had my struggles with finding the right path. But deep inside under all my desires, there has always been that true calling. This force has constantly pulled me toward the right direction. My Dharma is to be a yoga teacher, I know it's not the path to financial riches, but it's my path. A path that gives me so much more than money could ever give. It is the honest joy that gives me the ultimate fulfillment, the spiritual high and the true happiness. Just to see someone smile after a yoga class or hear someone say that they have been looking all week forward to the class.  And it's not only about the cheerful happiness, there is also that beautiful silent pleasure that comes from doing what you're suppose to do. Living your Dharma might not feel super awesome every single second – as with everything, there is up's and down's – but it will always feel right. Cause it's your purpose in life.

Now, bear in mind, that Dharma isn't a desire. Being a lottery winner cannot be your Dharma (I'm so sorry my lovely husband, don't hate me)… Dharma isn't only a sanskrit word for a job or career, it's our true nature and if we are lucky we can manifest our dharma in our career paths. And don't get me wrong here, the career paths aren't the only places to live our Dharma. Maybe your dharma is to be a mother or a father, maybe you are an activist or a healer, buddhist monk…

You might be lucky and know the day you arrive to this planet what you're supposed to do with your life, what's your meaning. My twin sister knew her Dharma before she could even speak. Running after me with a sharp comb and scissors. We always knew… she's going to be either a hairstylist or an assassin. Now, she is not on the "most wanted" list yet, but she is an owner of a stunning beauty salon back in Helsinki. Living her Dharma, making people beautiful.

But for most of us, finding our Dharma can be a b*tch! We might die before we find out our purpose. But don't freak out, there is ways that you can actually do some self studies, and start looking for your path in life.

I know, with the economy nowadays, it's often difficult to live your Dharma, even if you know what it is. There is bills, bills and more bills. But we have the choice, we don't have to give up everything and rush to fulfill our Dharmas, we can take tiny baby steps, we can dedicate a day in a week to slowly start to build up our Dharma, nothing happens overnight. Most importantly don't get stuck in your past life, if you feel that nothing has purpose. Take the step, only you can make the change and only you can discover your Dharma! And don't worry if you make mistakes, and you fail, we all do. People will offer their opinions on what your purpose in life is. Some will criticize you, some will judge you and some won't even care or understand. Remember that only you know what is best for your life. You need to figure out the meaning of your own life and how you want to live it. Stand your ground, don't settle and eventually Universe will throw you an opportunity that serves your Dharma. Take the risk, try something new and make the change. As long as you stay true to yourself, you cannot go wrong!

You might want to ask yourself these couple of questions and write down the answers, while contemplating your Dharma:

  • What were you doing when you recall having the most fun?
  • What are your fondest memories?
  • Which people do you admire most and why?
  • How would you live differently if you knew your days were numbered?

Love and Light,

Diana

Finding hope in my scars…

To fertility and beyond… I’m part of the 12 % married woman who struggles with infertility. There, I said it!

For years I struggled with this all by myself, so ashamed, so humiliated, and the day I opened up my mouth, and said something about it, I realized that I’m not alone. There’s millions of women like me, and they’re stories are pretty much the same. So if you struggle with infertility, please don’t hold it in, talk, find support and solutions. I’m here if you need a friend with working ears who has had every hormone injection possible, has been poked by infertility doctors in different countries, and last but not least have her hopes raised and smashed every 4 weeks.

I’m all zoned out on my bed from pain killers and agonising tummy pain after my hysteroscopy, and removal of endometriosis. I’m staring at all the scars on my belly… and not only the scars on surface, but the scars deep inside. Trying to be super exited about this next step, but cannot help getting also a bit nervous. For crying out loud, half a decade of trying to conceive, failed IVF’s, IUI’s, etc. I should be a pro by now not letting it get to me.

But I guess I’m like a good old deep fried Camembert, all gangsta outside, but silky smooth inside…

It doesn’t seem to get easier. It gets harder, time is running out… And I’m finding myself thinking “how much more?”. How much longer until we get to hold our little one in our arms? How many “Congratulations on your baby” -cards must I send while limboing between excitement and jealousy? Its our turn to be on receiving side of these words…

I know that I’m not alone with this problem, the hospitals are filled with women like me, looking for answers, living their lives trapped in an emotional rollercoaster ,feeling inadequate, broken, guilty, scared and jealous. Covered in scars…

The scars on my belly, they are my battle field with infertility… Every time I have a failed IVF or I get my period it’s like getting cut from an injury, I “bleed”, I scream, I cry… Nothing else exist, but the pain. But I have my loved ones around me to put a “bandaid” on it, to stop me from “bleeding”. And eventually a scab forms above the injury, this strong exterior to protect the more sensitive self underneath.

Somedays I’m filled with hope and I can deal with the “wound being touched” by comments and questions, but on worse days, all it needs is news of unplanned pregnancies by friends to rip the scab off. As the new skin under the scab strengthens, it becomes less sensitive, and life gets back to normal. But the scar always remain, amongst the other scars, it’s there to remind me of my journey. We learn to live with them, we learn to accept them. And we cannot endlessly keep hiding them away with make up, they’re part of us, part of the the way we look. And even though our scars are different, they have one thing is common… No matter how they look, or how much they hurt, the pain will eventually go away… that’s the beauty with scars.

At this very moment while I’m looking at my post-surgery scars, I see strength! I don’t see ugly wounds of misfortune nor failure around my belly, but I see the determination of going all the way for something that matters the world to me, I see dedication, love, willpower and passion. I see the structure of my character, I see my story…

The road of infertility is hard, but like any other road, you gotta keep moving forward, you must not lose the sight of destination because of the obstacles. There will always be unexpected suffering and disappointments, but you need to remember that you are in charge of your happiness and how you react to any of these challenges. You must not let these struggles affect your kindness, compassion and love toward yourself nor your partner.

Yours sincerely

Diana

Finding miracles amongst the struggle

 


Today I’m not gonna write about something delightful, like unicorns eating cotton candy or surfing mermaids. Instead I’m going to write about sadness and how to rise back on your feet, when life has knocked you down.

“Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.” – Kahlil Gibran

I have been to hell and back during the past months and someone smart once said that writing about your struggles helps. So I’m gonna open an ice-cream tub and pour my heart out….

We all have these seasons in life, when nothing goes right and we tend to hit the rock bottom. Well my past months have been falling down to rock bottom, but my rock bottom has been filled with sharp glass and hungry alligators…

So I’ll just start with a little update. Me and my husband have been trying to start a family for past four years, so there has been a fair bit of heartache once a month, there has been treatments by modern medical science, about five different world famous alternative healers, some “witches”, tibetan monks, stones, oils, needles, etc.

You name it, I’ve done it…

It has been a struggle that I don’t go a day without thinking about.

I’ve had so many failed treatments, IUI’s IVF’s,  hardcore medication, surgeries and more medication.

So basically I have been the punching bag of the universe, literally. It’s hard to believe that I’m not, after you read this.

For the past five months I’ve been through two IVF treatments and one FET treatment. Back in my home country, Estonia, where I was born. Yeah, it has been fun time! The first one started out just fine. I followed the program, loyally, stabbing myself daily with needles straight into my belly daily, as we IVF patients do… eggs were growing, everything looked good, My husband flew over from Australia, where we currently live, to do his bit in a cup, and then started the waiting game, two weeks of praying, chanting and hoping it will work out.. As my husband had to fly back to work, I stayed in Estonia with my mom, visiting every temple, church and monastery we could, begging for a good luck. When the phone call from the hospital finally came, with, yet again, devastating news: ” Sorry, the results are negative”… My  heart exploded into millions of pieces, like so many times before, I couldn’t breath and my mom was just holding me, like the times before, when I have had these horrible news…

Well, no can do… It was time to clue the heart back together, they got seven eggs out, used three, so I still had four embryos in the freezer waiting for the next ovulation to happen and that’s just less than couple of weeks away. It will work this time!

So I started to get all excited for the  FET procedure (frozen embryo transfer). Only couple of days to go… I shot the final progesterone injections to my belly and I was full of willpower and determination …But then I receive an email…. an email!?! Not a phone call, but an email, saying, “We deeply apologise, but there seems to be a problem, we cannot locate your embryos.” Well, ain’t that nice, it’s not like they’re teenagers on a spring holiday, what the hell do you mean, you cannot locate my embryos?! Did you try the bar next door? Did you look under the bed? I don’t get it…

At the end, the hospital game up with a reply, “maybe we didn’t get so many…” Well, I definitely paid them to freeze my four embryos, and I had all the documents to prove it, and two days ago they still had them..? After contacting all the top doctors and lawyers, they advised me to give up the fight, as there has never been a single person in this country, that has won a fight against the government hospital.

I was finished, I was over it and I didn’t have an inch of faith left in my body. But then my husband called and surprised me  with the best news. He had decided that we are going to take the IVF treatment in the most greatest private hospital, the leading fertility hospital in pretty much all of Scandinavia… This place logically charged about four times as much as the government hospital, but you know, what the hell, it’s just money, we can always slap another dept on top of our all exciting IVF depts! And this place is the best, everybody kept telling me, if it’s ever gonna happen, it will happen in this magical marble floored, crystal chandeliered palace, where the gold-plated storks sing on your bedside when you’re giving birth.

Bring it on! I was psyched, yet again! I started the treatments by myself, as my husband had to stay at work back in Australia. But about two weeks into treatments, he flew over to get his part done, froze the sperm for my eggs, and flew back to work. Note. flights 5000 aussie dollars for couple of days in Estonia… But, that’s what we had to do. We went all out  on this russian roulette!

After hundreds of different injections, meds, tens of  hours of bus trips to the hospital, finally arrived the morning of the first operation day. The eggs were coming out! Then they would be fertilized with my husbands sperm, grown in lab for couple of days and popped back in as embryos.

This time I had to go to hospital all by myself. Usually my mom would join me on these delightful road trips, but this time she couldn’t get any time off from work. She has been my biggest cornerstone, amongst my husband, when it comes to overcome these treatments. So there I was… lying on my fancy-pancy luxurious private hospital room, with the pink walls, in a lotus position, chanting my mantra ” Everything will be fine”. Knock on the door interrupted my nervous meditation, and enters my doctor, also known as the head of this fancy clinic. He nervously browses through my hospital papers, and announces: “There might be a problem..” All I could think of was, “WTF! Why, Universe, Why?!”,  I thought that maybe the operation is going to be late and I’m going to have to spend the night at the hospital. But he continued, “I really don’t know how this is possible, but seems like we have lost your husband’s sperm…”. “lost my husbands sperm?”, I screamed. At this point millions of thoughts went through my head, what if they have used my husband’s sperm to accidentally fertilize some other ladies eggs? What am I going to tell everyone? what? what? what? At this point I felt like someone had punched me to my face and then thrown me off the cliff into a cockroach nest! I used every single estonian curse word that I had learnt from my not-so-well-behaved-sailor-grandfather! I cried and cried till I was dehydrated.  I yelled and screamed for two hours straight, while my husband did exactly the same on the phone all the way from Australia. All I can remember from that moment was the doctors vein on his forehead pumping ridiculously fast.

Well, eventually I settled down, and so did that doctors disturbing vein. The sperm was gone, there was nothing we could do about it. My heart was completely broken, as I was still sobbing my eyes out, while transferred into the operation room… to collect my perfectly developed eggs, and freeze them. Coming out of the anesthesia, the first thing I did, was cried. The “full-of-faith, post-operation” momentum had turned into hopelessness, fear and fury.

So one might be right to wonder, if the whole universe is working against her, when doctor apologises for errors in my treatment, that never have been done during his career. Or in a separate case, hospital apologising for unforgettable mistakes, that only happen once in a lifetime. I’d say unforgivable, but I’m a firm believer in forgiveness.

So what makes me so special to universe,that it constantly yearns to conspire against me or shower me in these disappointments?

My mum keeps telling me that these things keep happening to me cause I’m so strong. Universe wouldn’t put a weak person into situations like mine. But it doesn’t seem fair. Do I really deserve all these horrible experiences, just because I’m strong enough to handle the pain?

I’m usually the happiest person ever. I love life. I’m overly sentimental, passionate and blown away about everything. Seriously, like I mean everything. Every sunset is the prettiest sunset I’ve ever seen, and every ice-cream is the best ice cream I ever eaten. And if there is something that I don’t like, I’ll say “hmmm, well this is a little different” and carry on.

And I have been trying to be so positive during this past months, because that’s who I am. Even when it’s been so hard, I’ve pulled a smile and pretend everything is ok. I guess it’s my survival mechanism. But today,  my smile was wiped away, with a mental slap.


Later when I left the hospital, I kept running into the kindest persons. And somehow every one of those strangers brought out the best of me and made me notice how amazing life really is. A taxi driver who pulled me into the conversation about how stunning our country is, even though it’s struggling in financial crises. A lost tourist, who was so happy and relieved when I directed her on a right path and told her about all the cool things to do in our city.

All of this made me realise, that even when I’ve just faced the worst news, there is so much beauty, and even there’s no guarantee that life works out as I hope it would, there’s still reasons to smile and be happy. I just need to keep my eyes on that sunshine that arrives after the storm.

It’s so easy to confuse the path with the destination, so I need to trust that this struggle is part of a bigger process. I must trust that no matter how hopeless things seem, as long as I’m strong and push forward, I will make it and I will get what I want.

Later on the day, I started to wonder… Maybe the universe isn’t punishing me, but merely trying to tell me something. I still have the most my husband, awesome family, wonderful friends, beautiful home, exciting travels, adventures and a job that I love. Sun is still shining and flowers are still blooming.

I do have the best support network a girl can ask for. And it’s so import to have people who care and run to comfort you, when you’re waving that flare down at your rock bottom.

I’ve been so buried into my troubles, that I’ve actually forgotten how incredibly lucky I am.


I’m starting to realize that I’m not that special. Because the universe isn’t trying to get me, it’s trying to get all of us. Everybody struggles and I have an entire floor of patients at the hospital to prove me that. Maybe the universe is just trying to make us exceptionally strong? Maybe we are just purifying from bad karma, getting the stuff out, to find the ultimate bliss?

I don’t know, but there is a lesson in this terrifying day. Shit happens… to me and to everybody else, but also really amazing things happen.

So maybe I should change my perspective from “why these horrible things happen to me?” to “what else could have happened, yet didn’t?”.

Maybe I should be thankful instead, or perhaps “thankful” is bit early to say, but not as disappointed?

So yeah, my ice-cream tub is empty, and the bed is calling. And thankfully tomorrow is a new day!!!  If you struggle with stuff too, than I hope you found some motivation in my story. If you like to leave a comment and share how you’ve found a silver lining in your difficulties, please do. We all need some inspiration.

Struggling with infertility is torture, and it’s much more tortures if you struggle alone, so talk, share and find support groups. There is millions of us struggling with the same problem, but everyone’s too scared to mention anything. When I started to tell people more openly about my worries with this matter, I noticed that there was seven other girls in my life that struggled with exact same problem. And six of them have had a IVF baby since. So there’s hope for all of us.

Stay positive and focus on the good! Peace out!

Namaste
Diana

Dia-Yoga

You are enough!

“I am perfectly imperfect” 

I’m sitting on my bed, eating ice-cream and scrolling down my Instagram account. So many stunning yogis in their most perfect poses. So many friends partying and eating most delicious food in most breathtaking places. I must admit I do feel little jealous. 

Why does comparison makes us feel insecure and incomplete?

Because we all have struggled with it all our lives, since that first art class in kindergarden to that moment where our colleague nailed that job we wanted.  

In a modern world where we are constantly pushed to be prettier, smarter and richer, it’s hard not to feel imperfect.

And it does happen to all of us, even to that super hot Instagram chick in her Ferrari. We all compare and we all get jealous. We are just humans. So what can we do to change? 
   

  

I often notice, that I compare myself to these amazing yogis that can stand on one hand for hours, and do all these things that are physically impossible to rest of us. But why do I do this to myself? Why don’t I ever compare myself to beginners, in a healthy way, and see how far I’ve gone? Or why do I even compare? I should be inspired and learn something from them, and most of all I should be proud of myself, I am gifted and unique. I should count my blessings and be happy that I can do so many things that I could not even dream about doing years ago. I seem to forget that these amazing yogis where once in exactly the same point, and if I have this burning fire inside of me, I can someday stand on one hand too…

So why do we compare the worst of us to the best of others? Cause we forget that even the best of the best have problems, weaknesses and trials in their lives. The images on the screen are not their real selves. Nobody ever posts pictures of their insecurities or themselves arguing or crying. We seem to get attached to this very angled image of someone and not even realise that we might be the person that actually has it better. 

“Every block of stone has a statue inside it and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it.” -Michelangelo 

There is also another side to comparison. The one where we think we are better than others. This one is even harder to admit, but I do find that annoying feature in myself occasionally. Especially when I see a person that doesn’t recycle or is smoking, drinking and eating junk food like there’s no tomorrow. 

But who am I to judge? What do I know of their difficulties? What do I really know about that person? Have I already forgotten that I’ve struggled with change too? 

We all have felt hopeless and weak. We all have struggled with bad habits and felt bad about ourselves. There is enough critics in this world, so we must be more understanding and supportive, as we don’t know what it’s like for that person. 
  

  
“Look in the mirror… that’s your competition!”

Compare yourself to yourself!

We are work in process so drop that self-pity and be proud of yourself! By mocking your features, whether their your looks, ambitions, brains or fitness level, you end up breaking yourself. You must know that you are capable of anything, just be brave and grow your potentials.

“How can I be better then I was yesterday?”, that’s my mantra.

Ask yourself, what have you achieved in past year? What goals have you accomplished? Have you grown?

Be proud of yourself! Think of, what are the things that you get complimented on? Maybe you are an awesome home chef, or wonderful with kids, or a ray of sunshine?

We might not end up having that supermodel body or billion dollar bank account, but when we’re mindful, happy and confident, we have something so much better.

By appreciating the qualities you already have and being grateful, you’ll build a firm foundation to a healthy confidence. And maybe one day you’ll notice that there is no need to compare yourself with others or to be approved  by anyone, as you already are the best version of yourself.

There’s beautiful little metaphorical story about comparison that I love and must share:

When you were a child, your parents used to have you standing against the wall and make a little mark on the wall to measure your growth. They didn’t measure you against the neighbours kid or a kid on tv.

So when you measure your growth, make sure you only measure your today self by your past self. If you compare your success, relationship or your anything against anyone else, you’re not being fair to you. Everybody has a different path, different pace and different challenges to face along the way. 

So shine on with your day, feeling beautiful, happy and enough. 

And next time you find yourself envying someone’s accomplishments, go inwards and try to instead genuinely celebrate their good times. Turn that jealousy into drive and get inspire!

  

 
Namaste 
Diana

Sense the Nature

  
In this world of reality TV, Facebook and high tech, we have seem to lost ourselves. We are as plugged to the system as our Apple products and the effect of all of these electromagnetic waves on our body might cause sleeping problems, depression and sickness. 

75 percent of our body is water and you probably know how well water and technology works together? Not well, and I speak from experience after several times dropping my phone into ocean. 
And the social media… It seems to be pointless to go for a walk on a beach without posting a pick on Instagram. And this is one is one of my downfalls, I’m overly visual person and a total photo-maniac! Since I was a little girl, I have loved pictures, capturing them and looking at them. People who know me, knows that I might be a little too enthusiastic. How many ” Arghh, not again!” have I heard my husband say when I pass him the camera…

Even though I love photography and my pics, it still slightly worries me, that I might be too fanatical about the “beauty of the moments”, and getting that “Click” on way to often. 

So I really need to start using my other senses among the visual sense, and maybe occasionally, use my inner camera instead of the one designed by Nikon. 
Among my other quirky features, I absolutely love nature! 
I would rather sit on a sand and gaze on ocean for several hours than watch that crap, that tv has to offer us. 

We actually just spent 3 days at my mates summer cottage watching at the sea. For hours and hours in absolute silence observing the beauty of scenery. No TV’s, phones or laptops. The people passing by with boats probably thought we were dead. 
The reason why we feel so in peace in nature is because this is where we originally came from. We have the same energy and that’s why I need to get to the nature, to remind myself that I’m part of this beautiful flow and something bigger. 

  

These are my own little reminders and tips, how to get more grounded, and connected with your senses, and at the same time heal your body and mind.

I’m not telling you have to go hug trees, even though, let me tell you this, that hugging a tree for half a minute can pack you with earthly energy and leave you feeling tranquil and breezy.

  
Starting with the sense of smell: 

Think, how often you actually realise what kind of air you breathe? What kind of smells are in the air, what memories the smells bring you? The salty sea air, the fresh air in a green lush forest or the smell of freshly cut grass. 

I’m so sentimental, that I can end up having the greatest day, after stepping outside in the morning and taking a lungful of fresh air after the rain has hydrated the earth or when I pass a lilac bush on a sunny spring morning. These are the smells that make my soul sing. It’s scientifically proven that sensory perception in nature eliminates the stress and I think thousands of years old aromatherapy is an excellent example of that. 

The sense of sight: 

Slow down and actually watch the nature, even stop if you have the time. Amaze the power of the ocean, look at the golden sun rays shining through the leaves or admire all the shades of blue at the sky. 

Sunsets are my favourite, and living on a west coast I’m blessed by the prettiest sunsets the nature has to offer. And there is no better way to enjoy the beauty of life than crabbing a blanket and the hand of your loved one, and head down to the beach and gaze on that greatest art show nature has to offer.

The sense of touch:

My ultimate pleasure is to walk on a beach with my legs down to my ankle in the water. I can walk for miles, and enjoy every step of it, with the waves gently stroking my feet… Even thinking of it, gives me butterflies in my belly. 

The touch of nature. The feeling when grass is tickles the souls of my feet while the sun warms my body. The support of a soft sand after a swim in an ocean. The feeling of raindrops on my skin. It is nearly impossible to not be connected to the earth in situations like these… It clears your head and gives you the ultimate zen.

The sense of hearing: 

Who wouldn’t love the sound of rain on a roof top, while snuggling under the covers? I can literally feel it washing away my troubles.

Give yourself a break from all the noise. The voice of traffic, music or talk.

Leave your earphones home, and sooth your senses with the singing of the birds, with the sound of the waves crashing and the roar of the wind in the tree tops. 

I know it sounds bit out of the content, but if you live in a city and you’re to busy to head out, a nice option is to listen some “nature sound” tracks on YouTube. It’s not the same, but it still has a calming impact on your stress levels.

The sense of taste:

Remember when you were a kid and you would run around forest tasting all the different plants and berries? If not, than I just found a reason for my tripping behaviour. 

Anyways, find your inner hunter and head to the nature to get a taste of it. What’s better way to shut our thoughts and stay present? 

Crab an apple or some berries and find out if their sour or not, or chew on a root of a hay. Go fishing, or go mushroom picking, than build a fire, safely, and cook yourself a dinner. In case if your a proper city person, try this version. Head to the farmers market, pick some veggies and berries, get a disposable grill, head to the park, and have a nice picnic.

  
So this are my thoughts for today. Remember that we are not designed to sit in the corner offices or zone out for hours in front of TV. The serene landscape picture on our screensaver just isn’t enough. So go to wilderness and go wild! 

Love life, love Mother Earth and disconnect everything but your heart and senses! 
Namaste 

Diana

Dia-Yoga

Join me in a 3-Day Full Body Cleanse

“The food you eat can be either the safest and most powerful form of medicine or the slowest form of poison”
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Summer, winter, spring or autumn, our body needs an occasional cleanse.
As we give our homes a proper spring clean every year, or as my husband would correct me – every day – cause I’m slightly obsessed with tidiness. But “clean home, clean mind” is one of my mantras.
Why shouldn’t we give ourselves a proper cleanse once in a while? No duster or vacuum-cleaner needed, just some willpower and lots of fluids.
Keep in my mind, it’s not a diet, even though you might loose a little weight. It’s so much more. It will bring you clarity of mind and give you a jump-start to a healthy lifestyle. No wonder fasting was the rituals of great man like Gandhi, Socrates and Plato.
If you suffer from headaches, sugar cravings, skin or digestion problems, bloating or anxiety, the case is that you might suffer from build-up of toxicity. After your 3-day cleanse your body feels energised, rejuvenated and grateful for the rest from digestion as your organs haven’t been breaking down food and possible toxins.
Just a little warning here, do not detox if your pregnant or breast feeding.
First of all, choose a time for your cleanse, try to pick a weekend or days that don’t have lots of program or parties in them. Plan a daily schedule, plan your “meals” and ditch all the things that you grave. For me these would be caffeine, pasta and cupcakes.
Next 3 days prepare to go organic (if you’re already not). Say “bye bye” to meat, grains, sugar, dairy, caffeine, alcohol, saturated fats and welcome to your life all the amazing, funky-tasting, super juices and smoothies. And by juices I don’t mean the dodgy, chemically sweetened stuff in the cardboard boxes.
It’s only 3 days, so go all the way. Explore the amazing world of juices, teas and all different type of organically flavoured waters.
Here’s mine daily routines, that I would highly recommend for the time of cleanse:
Mornings are my favourite part of day, and here’s my morning rituals that I recommend to stuck with on your body cleanse… And why not after.
Start your morning ALWAYS with a lemon water. A glass of warm water with half of lemon! It’s a magic drink that speeds up your digestion, it’s packed with antioxidants, it’s an excellent source of vitamin C, it flushes the toxins and strengthens the liver. These are only the few benefits of lemon water…
Meditate! Stress loves to ruin our body and mind, and the best way to reduce the stress is to get your Om on!
Rock your mental health and get rid off anxiety and tension. Meditation is like the detox for your mind and I bet you will fall in love with the benefits of mediation and your new mellow lifestyle.
Find a nice calm spot, close your eyes, choose a mantra that you repeat to yourself or not. Main thing is to shut the monkey mind for 5 minutes or longer if you’re a “pro-meditator” an breathe.
Brush your skin!  Skin brushing is the best way to detoxify your skin from dead cells, reduce cellulite and support circulation. Have a shower after that, and finish the shower with a half minute cold water shower, it will work wonders on your blood circulation. Moisturise your body with coconut oil, that hydrates your skin, leaving it feeling nourished and smooth. Coconut oil also protects your skin from harmful sun rays. I’m an absolute addict for coconut oil. My Ayurvedic doctor in India recommended it for my dry joints and I haven’t found a better remedy yet.
Open your body with a nice series of sun salutations!
5 sun salutations will cost you no time, but gives you energy, detoxifies you and opens your heart for a new day!
Here’s a guided video for sun salutation:
For next 3 days stay away from solid food,
Drink, drink, drink! Try to drink 3 litres of liquids daily. My best trick to remember how much to drink water daily, is to drink a litre for 20 kilos of your body weight.
If the regular water starts to annoy you, make it special by adding herbs, lime, watermelon, etc. My absolute favourite is basilica and cucumber or mint water.
Swap your coffee to a green tea or to a nice cleansing dandelion or echinacea tea. As an absolute tea-addict, I’m more than overwhelmed with happiness, that the options on tea market are so enormous. My absolute favourite is Matcha Green Tea, one cup is the same as 30 cups of normal green tea in antioxidants. Also I’m addicted to organic green rooibos tea, that is backed with vitamins, high in minerals and contains huge array of antioxidants.
Juicing offers some incredible health benefits and it’s great way to get all the vegetables and fruits to your diet.
After noticing how much money I spend on fresh juices, I had to get a juicer myself. I love it! Nothing better than starting a day with a refreshing ginger-carrot-orange juice! Yummy!
Exercise! It makes you feel awesome and it starts a natural detoxification process in your body. It’s good to take it a bit slower while your detoxing, as you don’t have that much energy. I’ve made myself a fitness routine for the time of cleanse, and it’s pretty much something like this:
Before the breakfast 5 sun salutations and some cardio to sweat out the toxins, anything that gets that heart rate up, from jumping jacks, to running up the stairs. A walk in a fresh air with my doggy and in the evening a relaxing one hour yoga session.
While practising yoga, try to do as much twist as possible, as they are excellent poses when it comes to getting those toxins moving.
Sleep!
When you’re tired you don’t take proper care of yourself, so get at least 7 hour sleep every night. Don’t think of a good night sleep as a luxury, but rather as a necessity. If  possible, go to bed at 10pm and wake up at 6 am. That way you are synced with universe and you feel way energetic and better. For me that’s a mission, as I’m pretty sure I was a bat in my previous life. I have a slightly messed up rhythm.
And my favourite part of all this detox insanity… have a massage! It’s the best way to get those toxins moving, but remember to flush them out with plenty of water after your pampering session.
Here’s some of my favourite detoxing juices, but feel free to mix your own:
Juice 1: beetroot, kale, apple, ginger, celery, lemon
Juice 2: spinach, green apple, pear, cucumber, kale
Juice 3: orange, carrot, ginger,
Juice 4: grapefruit, raspberries mint
Juice 5: cucumber, pineapple, lemon, coconut water
If possible, try to use organic fruits and vegetables and remember the thumb rule, if you eat the outside or the peel of the fruit or veggie, go with organic. For example, apples, strawberries, tomatoes, capsicum.
Whenever you feel like you want to chew your arm off, don’t! Have a refreshing lemon water, coconut water or wheat crass shot instead. I can promise you that the shot will taste a little peculiar, but it’s definitely better than a life with a half chewed limb…
And trust me, if you stick with this, after 3 days you will thank yourself.
When you’re done with your full body cleanse, give yourself a nice tap on back and if possible don’t go back to ruin that beautiful body of yours with all the chemically loaded foods and soft drinks. Every single time you eat, you get to choose, will you hurt your body or you nourish your body. Try to stay as organic as possible and pamper your organs on every meal with these lovely super-foods like salmon, avocado, nuts, spinach, blueberries, etc. the list goes on forever. Remember, that you don’t have to eat less, you just need to eat right.
Try to give up sugar and flour, as they are packed with toxins and are extremely harmful for you. I know it’s hard, as I could basically live on pasta and pizza… But I must say that I also love brown rice and at the moment I’m absolutely addicted to organic gluten free or wholemeal spelt spaghetti.
I must say that I do enjoy a juicy steak on my wedding anniversary or the most delicious reindeer steak made by my good friend, but I try to avoid meat as much as all the diseases that it exposures my body to. It doesn’t contain any vitamins or minerals, and no wonder vegetarians visits hospitals 22% less then the meat eaters. So try to avoid meat, if it’s not possible to go totally vegetarian, stick with fish and skinless chicken. And if that’s to hard, cut down the meat eating into 3 times a week.
Also, try to avoid the excessive use of caffeine and alcohol. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t enjoy a drink, or a two, or a five occasionally, but having a drink every night of a week will build up those toxins in your body pretty fast.
And last but not least, stay away from the packaged foods. Even if it says “weight watchers” on top, doesn’t mean it’s healthy. If it’s in package, it’s filled with some sort of chemicals or preservatives.
If possible, try to make the “full body cleanse” part of your life. Once a month, when you know you’re gonna stay at home and have nothing to do, instead of charging to McDonald’s drive-in, take a step to become healthier, fitter and stronger you.
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I wish you the most beautiful, refreshing and cleansing days, whether you decide to carry on with this or not.
Namaste,
Dia