If you are familiar with my story, you know that I have gone through utterly tragic battles to become a mother. From years and years of IVF’s to climbing the mountains to find the holy man with magic potion. You name it, I’ve done it…
In my first marriage there was so much focus around having a baby that eventually it just tore us apart. I lost whole lot of self-worth and confidence while trying to get pregnant. I found my infertility as guilt, inadequacy and failure.
I ended up leaving Australia and moved back to Finland. I started my life from the scratch …and as I look back, I feel solely gratitude and acceptance for the prior. I understand why it turned out as it did.
I turned 40 this year and as I step into the next chapter of my life, I feel confident and open. My old wounds have been healing and I can finally surrender to the beauty of presence. I feel like I have it all – Love, Family, Home, Friends, Yoga – I am lucky and incredibly happy. Getting married in a month to love of my life, becoming a step-mom to a beautiful girl. Watching my adorable nieces and nephews grow up.
Not raising a child of my own, but helping to bring up wonderful little souls in my life.
For years I was bombarded with the social expectations and illusions of not fulfilling my job as a woman without having a biological child. I was haunted by the myth of the motherhood as “motherhood” is considered the primary role for woman.
In the depths of these illusions I had forgotten what motherhood actually means.
Motherhood isn’t a fertile womb. It’s not perfection nor purity, but rather warmth, attendance, empathy, silent tears and imperfections. There is no defined look or way. No rights and wrongs.
Motherhood is in all of us. In every woman!
It took me a long time to embrace the fact that in this lifetime I will be a my own version of mother.
When I snuggle up in a bed with my dog, I’m a mother. When I clean the eyes of the stray kittens I found in a jungle, I’m a mother. When I pick up a litter to protect our earth, hug a tree or water my plants, I’m a mother. When I comfort a distressed person, I’m a mother. When I guide my students in a meditation with a soft and caring voice, I’m a mother.
I’m a mother in the way I was meant to be.
Once a yoga student who had heard about my story came to me after class. She hugged me and whispered “You are mother to all of us. You do know that?”.
I keep returning to these words often.
Being childless doesn’t mean you’re not a mother, it means that you end up nurturing and providing guidance a bit differently. There are so many faces to motherhood. There are mothers with child, there are mothers who has lost their baby. There are mothers who have adopted a baby or mothers who take care of other peoples children. There is exactly as many embodiment’s of motherhood as there are women.
There is no childless women, mostly mothers without portfolios …Mothers at heart 💖
Love & Light
Follow your dreams
This little story is about dreams, following our passion,while embodying our talents.
Do you remember that time when you were a little kid and people would ask you what do you dream to be when you grow up? The world was your oyster, every single door and window was open. Everyone told you to follow your dream.
What happened when we grew up? Suddenly the society is telling you what to do, and claiming that you don’t have the potential to be what you want to be.
Damn, if I want to be a tree hugging yogi mermaid, I most certainly am going to be a tree hugging yogi mermaid. There is no one stopping me or standing between my dreams. Cause I’m not gonna regret on my death bed, the things I haven’t done. My dreams might take time to come true, but when they do, the world’s is going to be a little bit better place.
I was inspired to write this story after reading an article about American dude. He was an office worker, extremely unsatisfied with his life. He wanted to be a ninja, that was he’s dream. One day he made a decision, he’ll go after his dream. He quit his job, moved to Japan, and for past years he’s been loyally training martial arts with the great master.
I have not always chosen the safest path, in most cases I haven’t even chosen a path. Ive picked a thick jungle, and with my machete I’ve made my own path. I’ve made my mistakes, plenty of them. I have fell down, face first, but I’ve stood up and learned something important along the way. I’ve learned to notice the call of my heart. I’ve learned that the safest path is not necessary the best path for me and I’ve learned that the voice of fear is not always to be trusted.
My dream has always been the same, just the ingredients have changed. I dreamt of being a yoga teacher and of coarse the saviour of all the stray dogs. I did it, I graduated from different yoga teacher trainings, and volunteered in different animal shelters around the world.
I dream that I would have a yoga studio, with attached health cafe/dog shelter and a section dedicated for eastern healing arts. With my little eco-kids running around. Sounds like the wickedest place on earth, doesn’t it? Visited by health inspectors daily… Somehow, someday I’m going to have this crazy place, and if I get it right, it will be in a giant tree house. How cool would that be!?
I’m not just going to downgrade my dreams so they can fit this reality, oh no no no! I’m going to upgrade my confidence to match my destiny! I’ve dreamt about this for so long and my dreams don’t definitely have an expiration date. I’m as determined as a turtle crossing the road…
I know I’ll never be a billionaire with my goofy business ideas, but I don’t do it for money, I do it to be happy, I do it for me, cause I have this precious life, which I don’t want to waste on doing something that brings out the worst of me, something that doesn’t inspire me on any level. I want to bring joy to others, sharing my knowledge, not my stress. I want my life to be meaningful and I want to have a purpose.
But It’s so damn hard sometimes, and I have occasionally paused my dreams for a meaningless, money-making options. Bills are piling up, life interrupts and we must do jobs we don’t like to make the ends meet. Even though I’m always smiling and seem to be as happy as an Irish on a st.Patricks Day, but I still struggle and as any one, I sometimes feel like giving up.
My dreams are so big, so precious and they deserve to be fulfilled, and most of all I deserve my dreams fulfilled. I am not going to settle. It’s my dreams that helped me through the roughest patches in my life, and they are the reasons I get up and try again. Without my dreams I’m nothing.
That ear to ear smile on my face after I finish teaching a yoga class is a proof that you can and you should follow your dreams.
I feel so balanced, so happy, when I get to share my passion with others.
There is a tradition that I have.
At the end of each year, I make a dream map. I write down words, add some pics, that represent my dreams for the next year. And I place this dream map on my mediation altar, so it’s somewhere sacred, somewhere where I can see it…
Try this out. Write down your dream. Think what would you do if you could do anything you want? If you can choose one word to write on a paper, what would it be, who would you be? What would you do if you would have million dollars?
A written goal brings clarity and focus. It gives you a direction. And by rewriting your goals you not only reaffirm what your goals are.You may also find new insights that bring more clarity and focus to your goal and life.
Tell this dream to someone you care about. The studies show, that having a close one asking about your dream, will give you that extra boost and motivation to fulfil it.
It is easy to forget our dreams when the society and media is shooting us manufactured dreams from every single angle. Keeping us locked down and to busy to set our focus on our true passions.
I would highly recommend spending some time alone regularly, turning inwards, getting to know yourself… Self-discovery is so much easier than we think.
I use to be an extremely attached person. I probably hadn’t slept alone once till I was thirty. I was like a lost puppy, with big dreams… And when I met my husband, we had to spend months apart, cause I lived in Finland and he lived in Australia, and even when I moved to our Australian home, he would be working away for weeks. There was no option, I had to suck it up and learn to live by myself, and in these years I concurred most of my dreams. It seemed like a curse, but it ended up being a blessing, I grew from being a lost puppy to a wolf. My confidence grew so much when I actually started to fulfil my dreams, I was finally the person I had looked up to all my life. I am truly proud of myself and I continuously learn more, every single day. I’m motivated, challenged and exited.
Dreams, dreams, dreams!
Life is so short and it’s happening right now , so just pull yourself together and go for it, don’t waste your life doing something that you don’t love.