Talking taboos or suffering in silence?

For years I have been very honest about my infertility. I have taken my mess and made it my message. And every time I do so several people reach out to me and share their personal experience about this heartbreaking journey. 99,9% of these messages are private witch proves the point that infertility is still a taboo and most of us choose to suffer in silence. But considering from the amount of response I get, I can see how many people really want to talk, cry or even laugh over their struggles of infertility. 

I got married two days ago and I’m over the moon, feeling ridiculously happy and complete. There was a moment though at the beginning of the ceremony that got me thinking. The priest started the speech with words: “The purpose of marriage for the individual is to start a family and create a happy home. The social purpose, in turn, is reproduction to preserve society.” 

Wedding Day

I felt like I got punched in the stomach. I knew I shouldn’t have. I knew that these are nothing but words, by someone who doesn’t have a clue of who I am.  But this is my biggest weak point.  This topic silently slits my scars open and leaves me gasping for air. 

So in a nutshell: I suffer from unexplained infertility. There’s no reason for my inability to get pregnant. Everything works, but nothing works. After nearly five years of failed infertility treatments and one miscarriage me and my ex-husband called it quits… in everything. 

I think its a widely held expectation that if and when we choose to, we are able to have a family. Person not having a kid by their forties is considered somewhat a diseased outlaw, who is not doing their part “going forth and multiplying”. This is also the root for why so many infertile couples hide the problem.  Thinking that they have failed. Living day in day out with pain and loss. Feeling ashamed about something that isn’t their fault and they have no control over. Infertility – it’s the loneliest disease.

Somehow I find it important to bring more awareness to this avoided topic; for the society to understand the impact of the problem. It’s a disease that 1 out of 6 couples have to battle with and a disease that not many people know about unless they have dealt with it. I want people who suffer with it to know that they are not alone and people who know nothing about infertility to learn to respond better. I know that this is just because people don’t know what to say, but that awkward silence and quick change of topic is getting a bit old. I wish people would actually listen and look beyond the empty lap with compassion and awareness.

I understand that most of us don’t feel eager to talk about infertility, cause such exposure can add up to the pain. There is also a lot of shame around the topic, because pregnancy should be natural thing, and the moment it becomes a challenge, person feels inadequate. Sometimes even when you wish to talk about your infertility, it’s not easy. Cause let’s be serious, when is it ever a good moment to talk about the sperm count or motility, the state of your ovaries or insemination? While having a banana split with your friends?

images (5)

I find that for me sharing my story and breaking taboos is part of healing. So I hope you give it a try, if it feels like a right thing to do. Let’s create a safe place, where discussion and support is recognized.

Love & Light

Diana

 

Create your own calm…

The crisis in the world teach us a lot about staying calm and patient instead of panicking. That’s what crisis do, they stop us so we have to breathe and observe what really matters.

But sometimes only the idea of slowing down feels overwhelming. All the chronic rushing and achieving keeps us on the constant fight or flight mode.

Today we are going to learn the importance of stillness and talk about few easy techniques.

Now turn off your phone, close your eyes and your mouth. Sit quietly in a comfortable position and stay there for 3 minutes without doing anything. Externally nothing happens, but the benefits internally are massive.

First step of meditation isn’t harder than this. It might feel challenging though as we are not used to stillness.

Studies show that already three minutes of calming down has a positive impact to brain chemistry.

As the living condition have radically changed pass these 20 years. Mindfulness practise is necessity for everyone not an alternative lifestyle for some hippies. The strain on our brain has increased massively, yet biologically we have the same brain capacity as humankind had 50000 years ago.

The estimate is that our brain can handle exact same amount of stress as a caveman, which is forty stress reactions per day. Caveman freaked out and stressed as there was few dinosaurs running after him, and his brain recovered when the threat was over.

Modern day man gets stressed as a car drives pass or the phone rings at the middle of the dinner and he doesn’t necessarily recover that fast as there’s constant stimulants and the flood of signals is never ending.

Our brains has around 40 000 stress reactions daily. These stimulants come from computer screens, phones, traffic, our work places, etc.

Do you understand now, why it’s so important for us to slow down and withdraw into silence?

There’s a five point method I’d like you to try: Breath, be quiet, stay positive, smile and accept.

Deep BREATHING reduces stress fast. Especially exaggerated and long exhalation helps to calm anxious mind and relax the body.

Deep breathing helps us to QUIET DOWN. This power couple supports each other.

STAYING POSITIVE betters the quality of life and works as antidote for negative thinking. Our brain tends to get stuck at stress-mode, thinking about undone projects and things that might go wrong. So “positive thinking” is actually a practise as a practise on your yoga mat. It’s not easy, but it releases a lot of assets.

SMILE has such incredible strength! It was one of the earliest thing humankind learnt to use, and to this day it is a power signal to calm the world around us. It connect us, as smiling looks the same in all the cultures. In China smiling meditation has been a thing for thousands of years.

ACCEPTANCE is something that drives us on, regardless of hardship in life. For example if you suffer from insomnia, accepting the fact that you are going to wake up during the night is a big help. Acceptance is calming and can help you to fall back to sleep faster. Anger doesn’t abate with anger, but accepting the anger could reduce it.

Acceptance also helps with meditation. If you rebel against stillness, thinking you cannot meditate, it becomes harder. It’s a brutal fact, starting meditation ain’t gonna be that easy! Just accept this: you don’t have to do anything and if the enlightenment happens that’s great, but if not, at least you gave your brains a bit of a break from all the rush.

So take these five keys and let them give you the strength you’re looking for. Better immunity, more energy, balanced life, inner calmness… All these benefits, while you just sit and do nothing.

Love and light

Diaba