Talking taboos or suffering in silence?

For years I have been very honest about my infertility. I have taken my mess and made it my message. And every time I do so several people reach out to me and share their personal experience about this heartbreaking journey. 99,9% of these messages are private witch proves the point that infertility is still a taboo and most of us choose to suffer in silence. But considering from the amount of response I get, I can see how many people really want to talk, cry or even laugh over their struggles of infertility. 

I got married two days ago and I’m over the moon, feeling ridiculously happy and complete. There was a moment though at the beginning of the ceremony that got me thinking. The priest started the speech with words: “The purpose of marriage for the individual is to start a family and create a happy home. The social purpose, in turn, is reproduction to preserve society.” 

Wedding Day

I felt like I got punched in the stomach. I knew I shouldn’t have. I knew that these are nothing but words, by someone who doesn’t have a clue of who I am.  But this is my biggest weak point.  This topic silently slits my scars open and leaves me gasping for air. 

So in a nutshell: I suffer from unexplained infertility. There’s no reason for my inability to get pregnant. Everything works, but nothing works. After nearly five years of failed infertility treatments and one miscarriage me and my ex-husband called it quits… in everything. 

I think its a widely held expectation that if and when we choose to, we are able to have a family. Person not having a kid by their forties is considered somewhat a diseased outlaw, who is not doing their part “going forth and multiplying”. This is also the root for why so many infertile couples hide the problem.  Thinking that they have failed. Living day in day out with pain and loss. Feeling ashamed about something that isn’t their fault and they have no control over. Infertility – it’s the loneliest disease.

Somehow I find it important to bring more awareness to this avoided topic; for the society to understand the impact of the problem. It’s a disease that 1 out of 6 couples have to battle with and a disease that not many people know about unless they have dealt with it. I want people who suffer with it to know that they are not alone and people who know nothing about infertility to learn to respond better. I know that this is just because people don’t know what to say, but that awkward silence and quick change of topic is getting a bit old. I wish people would actually listen and look beyond the empty lap with compassion and awareness.

I understand that most of us don’t feel eager to talk about infertility, cause such exposure can add up to the pain. There is also a lot of shame around the topic, because pregnancy should be natural thing, and the moment it becomes a challenge, person feels inadequate. Sometimes even when you wish to talk about your infertility, it’s not easy. Cause let’s be serious, when is it ever a good moment to talk about the sperm count or motility, the state of your ovaries or insemination? While having a banana split with your friends?

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I find that for me sharing my story and breaking taboos is part of healing. So I hope you give it a try, if it feels like a right thing to do. Let’s create a safe place, where discussion and support is recognized.

Love & Light

Diana

 

The different faces of Motherhood

 

If you are familiar with my story, you know that I have gone through utterly tragic battles to become a mother. From years and years of IVF’s to climbing the mountains to find the holy man with magic potion. You name it, I’ve done it…

In my first marriage there was so much focus around having a baby that eventually it just tore us apart. I lost whole lot of self-worth and confidence while trying to get pregnant. I found my infertility as guilt, inadequacy and failure.

I ended up leaving Australia and moved back to Finland. I started my life from the scratch …and as I look back, I feel solely gratitude and acceptance for the prior. I understand why it turned out as it did.

I turned 40 this year and as I step into the next chapter of my life, I feel confident and open. My old wounds have been healing and I can finally surrender to the beauty of presence. I feel like I have it all – Love, Family, Home, Friends, Yoga – I am lucky and incredibly happy. Getting married in a month to love of my life, becoming a step-mom to a beautiful girl. Watching my adorable nieces and nephews grow up.

Not raising a child of my own, but helping to bring up wonderful little souls in my life.

For years I was bombarded with the social expectations and illusions of not fulfilling my job as a woman without having a biological child. I was haunted by the myth of the motherhood as “motherhood” is considered the primary role for woman.

In the depths of these illusions I had forgotten what motherhood actually means.

Motherhood isn’t a fertile womb. It’s not perfection nor purity, but rather warmth, attendance, empathy, silent tears and imperfections. There is no defined look or way. No rights and wrongs.

Motherhood is in all of us. In every woman!

It took me a long time to embrace the fact that in this lifetime I will be a my own version of mother.

When I snuggle up in a bed with my dog, I’m a mother. When I clean the eyes of the stray kittens I found in a jungle, I’m a mother. When I pick up a litter to protect our earth, hug a tree or water my plants, I’m a mother. When I comfort a distressed person, I’m a mother. When I guide my students in a meditation with a soft and caring voice, I’m a mother.

I’m a mother in the way I was meant to be.

Once a yoga student who had heard about my story came to me after class. She hugged me and whispered “You are mother to all of us. You do know that?”.

I keep returning to these words often.

Being childless doesn’t mean you’re not a mother, it means that you end up nurturing and providing guidance a bit differently. There are so many faces to motherhood. There are mothers with child, there are mothers who has lost their baby. There are mothers who have adopted a baby or mothers who take care of other peoples children. There is exactly as many embodiment’s of motherhood as there are women.

There is no childless women, mostly mothers without portfolios …Mothers at heart 💖

Love & Light

Diana