From faith to fury…

I was trying out the healing hypnosis last night. It's a technique where you use white light to heal your condition and also ask your spirit guides for answers about the recovery and the aftermath. So there I was, trying to practise self-hypnosis on myself …to be honest I'm a girl of meditation rather than the hypnosis, but what the hell, I've tried everything, so might just give this one a shot. I was dying to hear the answer to my question "when will I be healed, when will we have a little bundle of joy?", but there was only silence, nothing, absolutely nothing. Not a image, not a sound, I'm pretty sure that even the wind stopped blowing for a while… This morning I woke up and there was such sense of pure anger, unbearable misery and heartbreaking sadness. It was like all the demons of denial had been released.

And I knew what that feeling was… For the very first time in my life I felt tired of this constant limbo and heartache. I realised, that there might be a possibility that my life will never involve motherhood. What if all those caring wishes of "you will get there and you will be an incredible mother" from my loved ones won't come true? What if?

Since the day that I met my husband, I have been sure that I want to have a family. And even though for years we have struggled with infertility, there hasn't been one second, that I've lost my faith. Not once have I thought "What if I'm never going to carry a child?" Even though we have had our fair share of setbacks, I have never accepted the fact, that we might just end up childless…

My faith has been the reason why I have never really got down in gutter after failed IVFs, but this morning I was faithless, all there was left was fear and fury…

One our very first cycle of IVF years ago, we nailed it. I thought it wouldn't happen so soon… but as my husband kept begging me to take the pregnancy test, I did, and the result came back positive. I ran to the hospital, to confirm these news with my doctor, and yes, we were on our way to become parents. Weeks went by and I kept visiting my doctor while staying in Finland, to afraid to fly on my first trimester. My husband was working at mines back in Australia, but we would talk on phone constantly, blessed with our great news. Everything was going so well, we were the happiest couple in the universe… We were expecting a baby.

As my stay in Finland was getting longer, I had to took on my previous job at the restaurant where I used to work. I felt guilty for my hubby doing all the hard work, and I wanted to contribute to our piggy bank.  As I was rushing around at work, uncoordinated as a giraffe at the hip-hop class, I slipt, and fell on my back. I thought it was nothing, but later that day with a tiny bit of a pain, I noticed some bleeding "downstairs". I thought it was just something that might occur while your pregnant and really didn't took it that serious. But I still booked in to check up with my doctor the next day.

I was filled with excitement and euphoria as I was sitting at the hospital with my mother, so eager to know how our little one was doing. I had my husband on the phone all the way from Australia, Kalgoorlie, where he was sitting at the local tavern ready to order his mates around just to celebrate our dreams becoming true.

The doctor called me in, and I was over the moon. I got ready, the doctor spread the gel on my tummy and started to move the sensor over it. I was staring at her with the wackiest smile on my face, but there was no echo to my smile. I started to get bit jittery as I was looking for any answers from my doctors concerned face. But suddenly she said in an insensitive tone, the most horrible words any expecting mom-to-be can hear, "The heartbeat is gone. There is no more baby". That's all! No explanation, no "My Condolences"… no more nothing. Maybe she was still talking, I don't know, everything became silent, my heart stopped and I had never felt that lost. I didn't know what to do from there on, where to go, but I knew that it was only getting worse, as on the other side of the world, the love of my life was waiting to hear back from us. I didn't wanted to accept the fact that we had lost our baby, but I needed to pick up the phone and let my husband know what just happened. I called him, and as I repeated the words, that the doctor had told me, my heart shattered from thousands of pieces into millions. I had now also broken my husband's heart…

Years went by, more unsuccessful IVFs were done… and then we decided to take a short break. We needed to start to pay back all the IVF loans, I needed to let my body recover from the treatments and focus on my passion and career, yoga.

Last year in India, I was staying in an Ashram at Mysore, completing my studies of Advanced Yoga Teacher degree. It was just another disciplined day of yoga and lectures, but I couldn't sleep that night, I couldn't eat and I couldn't breath correctly. There was a huge obstacle in my lungs that stopped me from taking that deep breath. I told one of the teachers, as she is also a yoga therapist and a master in reiki healing. She took me to my room, and laid me down on my bed. She started the energy healing, gently moving her hands just above my body. Suddenly she stopped and she told me that even though she never talks during the procedure, she has an important message from a little soul. She said the words, that few other healers had told me. There is a soul of child that desperately hangs onto me, not letting me go and this little one has a message to me, "forgive yourself"… I knew exactly what she was talking about. Since the day I fell in that restaurant, I have been blaming myself. And even though I'm the biggest fan of forgiveness, I had forbidden the forgiveness from myself. And I was starting to feel the symptoms of self-poisoning.  It was time to free myself, so I cried and cried, as I opened my heart for compassion and mercy. I fell asleep, after all the sobbing and when I woke up, I took the deepest breath in …there was no more obstacles.

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My husband has held me all day today, being the most supportive person, telling me not to worry nor fear and that he is here to make sure that everything will work out for us. And I trust him… No matter how close I get to the edge, or how bad it hurts, the sun will rise again tomorrow, the flowers will bloom in spring time and I have person in my life who'll do everything to see me smile. How can I lose my hope with such a loving human being by my side. With him by my side I cannot fail and I shouldn't be afraid.

Later this afternoon, I opened up the instagram, and the first post that came up, said:" Everything happens at the right moment, be patient." I collapsed down, and I cried, feeling more and more liberated from the heartache. Maybe, just maybe, there is a reason in all of this waiting…

Yours sincerely,

Diana

What’s your Dharma..?

"We know we are in Dharma when we cannot think of anything else we would rather be doing with our life." David Simon

Arghh, this recovery time from operation, and bed rest has got me thinking, how incredibly much I miss teaching my yoga classes. I miss my Dharma. It's a weird feeling, like missing a limb …like I'm incomplete.

Back in my early twenties, I had it all figured out… Partying was my Dharma, and I wasn't suppose to live to see my golden years, I mean my thirties… So simple. But then the bloody hangovers arrived, and I suddenly figured it out… There's gotta be something more? What is the purpose of all this? Why do I keep surviving these insane hangovers?

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Like any social rebel without a fear of death, I thought it would be just best for me to reside to India for a while. I started to hopelessly ramble on that pathless path to find the unknown. There was still bit partying, obviously I couldn't ditch that old Dharma so quickly and I was living half of the time in Goa, with lifetime hippies. But slowly my eyes started to open, mostly the third eye, and I could actually see my purpose a bit more clearly. Every day since that journey, I started to get closer and closer to my real Dharma.

It took years though. Finding one's Dharma is unfortunately not that easy… At least not as easy as it was for Greg (inside joke for all the "Dharma & Greg" fans). I was working in bars, hospitals, even as a sales girl in a fashion boutique, had fun with my friends, and I was happy, but I still felt that there was something missing. I never felt quite myself at any of the past careers I have held. I also never felt that what I was doing was making some sort of difference in this world.

My life, as I knew it, ended as I turned thirty. Complete flip-flop. I met my husband on one of my worldly adventures, moved from Finland to Australia and started my life from complete scratch. I had occasional panic attacks, freaking out about what am I going to do next. I'm living in Australia, in a country where every creature is pretty much lethal. I didn't know anyone, and my husband worked as FIFO, so I barely saw him. It took me ages to get confident, actually it took me ages to lift up the toilet seat without a mop, because I was sure that the crocodiles are plotting my murder in the plumbing.

That was the time when I decided to shed my paranoias and turn to my lifelong love, yoga. I really added some serious Asana practise to my everyday life. After I noticed how much confidence and calmness it provided me with, I pretty much lived on my mat.

There has been so many dreams and goals in my life, but deep inside I always wanted to be a yoga teacher. I just knew that it would be something that I would do with such passion and dedication. I started teaching close friends and family, and I loved every second of it.

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I was on my second journey to India – this time already on the path to my true Dharma – at the yoga teacher training. One day my teacher pulled me aside, and asked me to sit down with him away from all the hustle and bustle of school. He was a highly respected guru, and he didn't spend much time chatting with students on the park benches, so I felt really humbled. He looked into my eyes, and said that my Dharma is to bring happiness to people's lives, to make them smile.

I was overwhelmed with happiness, cause I knew it already. I have had so many different interests, I have had my struggles with finding the right path. But deep inside under all my desires, there has always been that true calling. This force has constantly pulled me toward the right direction. My Dharma is to be a yoga teacher, I know it's not the path to financial riches, but it's my path. A path that gives me so much more than money could ever give. It is the honest joy that gives me the ultimate fulfillment, the spiritual high and the true happiness. Just to see someone smile after a yoga class or hear someone say that they have been looking all week forward to the class.  And it's not only about the cheerful happiness, there is also that beautiful silent pleasure that comes from doing what you're suppose to do. Living your Dharma might not feel super awesome every single second – as with everything, there is up's and down's – but it will always feel right. Cause it's your purpose in life.

Now, bear in mind, that Dharma isn't a desire. Being a lottery winner cannot be your Dharma (I'm so sorry my lovely husband, don't hate me)… Dharma isn't only a sanskrit word for a job or career, it's our true nature and if we are lucky we can manifest our dharma in our career paths. And don't get me wrong here, the career paths aren't the only places to live our Dharma. Maybe your dharma is to be a mother or a father, maybe you are an activist or a healer, buddhist monk…

You might be lucky and know the day you arrive to this planet what you're supposed to do with your life, what's your meaning. My twin sister knew her Dharma before she could even speak. Running after me with a sharp comb and scissors. We always knew… she's going to be either a hairstylist or an assassin. Now, she is not on the "most wanted" list yet, but she is an owner of a stunning beauty salon back in Helsinki. Living her Dharma, making people beautiful.

But for most of us, finding our Dharma can be a b*tch! We might die before we find out our purpose. But don't freak out, there is ways that you can actually do some self studies, and start looking for your path in life.

I know, with the economy nowadays, it's often difficult to live your Dharma, even if you know what it is. There is bills, bills and more bills. But we have the choice, we don't have to give up everything and rush to fulfill our Dharmas, we can take tiny baby steps, we can dedicate a day in a week to slowly start to build up our Dharma, nothing happens overnight. Most importantly don't get stuck in your past life, if you feel that nothing has purpose. Take the step, only you can make the change and only you can discover your Dharma! And don't worry if you make mistakes, and you fail, we all do. People will offer their opinions on what your purpose in life is. Some will criticize you, some will judge you and some won't even care or understand. Remember that only you know what is best for your life. You need to figure out the meaning of your own life and how you want to live it. Stand your ground, don't settle and eventually Universe will throw you an opportunity that serves your Dharma. Take the risk, try something new and make the change. As long as you stay true to yourself, you cannot go wrong!

You might want to ask yourself these couple of questions and write down the answers, while contemplating your Dharma:

  • What were you doing when you recall having the most fun?
  • What are your fondest memories?
  • Which people do you admire most and why?
  • How would you live differently if you knew your days were numbered?

Love and Light,

Diana

Finding hope in my scars…

To fertility and beyond… I'm part of the 12 % married woman who struggles with infertility. There, I said it!

For years I struggled with this all by myself, so ashamed, so humiliated, and the day I opened up my mouth, and said something about it, I realized that I'm not alone. There's millions of women like me, and they're stories are pretty much the same. So if you struggle with infertility, please don't hold it in, talk, find support and solutions. I'm here if you need a friend with working ears who has had every hormone injection possible, has been poked by infertility doctors in different countries, and last but not least have her hopes raised and smashed every 4 weeks.

I'm all zoned out on my bed from pain killers and agonising tummy pain after my hysteroscopy, and removal of endometriosis. I'm staring at all the scars on my belly… and not only the scars on surface, but the scars deep inside. Trying to be super exited about this next step, but cannot help getting also a bit nervous. For crying out loud, half a decade of trying to conceive, failed IVF's, IUI's, etc. I should be a pro by now not letting it get to me.

But I guess I'm like a good old deep fried Camembert, all gangsta outside, but silky smooth inside…

It doesn't seem to get easier. It gets harder, time is running out… And I'm finding myself thinking "how much more?". How much longer until we get to hold our little one in our arms? How many "Congratulations on your baby" -cards must I send while limboing between excitement and jealousy? Its our turn to be on receiving side of these words…

I know that I'm not alone with this problem, the hospitals are filled with women like me, looking for answers, living their lives trapped in an emotional rollercoaster ,feeling inadequate, broken, guilty, scared and jealous. Covered in scars…

The scars on my belly, they are my battle field with infertility… Every time I have a failed IVF or I get my period it's like getting cut from an injury, I "bleed", I scream, I cry… Nothing else exist, but the pain. But I have my loved ones around me to put a "bandaid" on it, to stop me from "bleeding". And eventually a scab forms above the injury, this strong exterior to protect the more sensitive self underneath.

Somedays I'm filled with hope and I can deal with the "wound being touched" by comments and questions, but on worse days, all it needs is news of unplanned pregnancies by friends to rip the scab off. As the new skin under the scab strengthens, it becomes less sensitive, and life gets back to normal. But the scar always remain, amongst the other scars, it's there to remind me of my journey. We learn to live with them, we learn to accept them. And we cannot endlessly keep hiding them away with make up, they're part of us, part of the the way we look. And even though our scars are different, they have one thing is common… No matter how they look, or how much they hurt, the pain will eventually go away… that's the beauty with scars.

At this very moment while I'm looking at my post-surgery scars, I see strength! I don't see ugly wounds of misfortune nor failure around my belly, but I see the determination of going all the way for something that matters the world to me, I see dedication, love, willpower and passion. I see the structure of my character, I see my story… and I see me and the most loving-daddy-to-be holding our precious child in our arms some day soon.

The road of infertility is hard, but like any other road, you gotta keep moving forward, you must not lose the sight of destination because of the obstacles. There will always be unexpected suffering and disappointments, but you need to remember that you are in charge of your happiness and how you react to any of these challenges. You must not let these struggles affect your kindness, compassion and love toward yourself nor your partner.

Me and husband have been through so many "No, you're not pregnant"s and also a miscarriage, but we have connected through every loss. I have been so lucky to have such a supportive man by my side and that's my blessing. Couldn't do any of this without him. It's his eyes that I search for when I feel lost, his hand I squeeze when I get scared, and to his ears I whisper the words, when I feel hopeless: "Oh, screw it, shall we skip!"

Yours sincerely

Diana

 

 

Finding miracles amongst the struggle

 


Today I’m not gonna write about something delightful, like unicorns eating cotton candy or surfing mermaids. Instead I’m going to write about sadness and how to rise back on your feet, when life has knocked you down.

“Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.” – Kahlil Gibran

I have been to hell and back during the past months and someone smart once said that writing about your struggles helps. So I’m gonna open an ice-cream tub and pour my heart out….

We all have these seasons in life, when nothing goes right and we tend to hit the rock bottom. Well my past months have been falling down to rock bottom, but my rock bottom has been filled with sharp glass and hungry alligators…

So I’ll just start with a little update. Me and my husband have been trying to start a family for past four years, so there has been a fair bit of heartache once a month, there has been treatments by modern medical science, about five different world famous alternative healers, some “witches”, tibetan monks, stones, oils, needles, etc.

You name it, I’ve done it…

It has been a struggle that I don’t go a day without thinking about.

I’ve had so many failed treatments, IUI’s IVF’s,  hardcore medication, surgeries and more medication.

So basically I have been the punching bag of the universe, literally. It’s hard to believe that I’m not, after you read this.

For the past five months I’ve been through two IVF treatments and one FET treatment. Back in my home country, Estonia, where I was born. Yeah, it has been fun time! The first one started out just fine. I followed the program, loyally, stabbing myself daily with needles straight into my belly daily, as we IVF patients do… eggs were growing, everything looked good, My husband flew over from Australia, where we currently live, to do his bit in a cup, and then started the waiting game, two weeks of praying, chanting and hoping it will work out.. As my husband had to fly back to work, I stayed in Estonia with my mom, visiting every temple, church and monastery we could, begging for a good luck. When the phone call from the hospital finally came, with, yet again, devastating news: ” Sorry, the results are negative”… My  heart exploded into millions of pieces, like so many times before, I couldn’t breath and my mom was just holding me, like the times before, when I have had these horrible news…

Well, no can do… It was time to clue the heart back together, they got seven eggs out, used three, so I still had four embryos in the freezer waiting for the next ovulation to happen and that’s just less than couple of weeks away. It will work this time!

So I started to get all excited for the  FET procedure (frozen embryo transfer). Only couple of days to go… I shot the final progesterone injections to my belly and I was full of willpower and determination …But then I receive an email…. an email!?! Not a phone call, but an email, saying, “We deeply apologise, but there seems to be a problem, we cannot locate your embryos.” Well, ain’t that nice, it’s not like they’re teenagers on a spring holiday, what the hell do you mean, you cannot locate my embryos?! Did you try the bar next door? Did you look under the bed? I don’t get it…

At the end, the hospital game up with a reply, “maybe we didn’t get so many…” Well, I definitely paid them to freeze my four embryos, and I had all the documents to prove it, and two days ago they still had them..? After contacting all the top doctors and lawyers, they advised me to give up the fight, as there has never been a single person in this country, that has won a fight against the government hospital.

I was finished, I was over it and I didn’t have an inch of faith left in my body. But then my husband called and surprised me  with the best news. He had decided that we are going to take the IVF treatment in the most greatest private hospital, the leading fertility hospital in pretty much all of Scandinavia… This place logically charged about four times as much as the government hospital, but you know, what the hell, it’s just money, we can always slap another dept on top of our all exciting IVF depts! And this place is the best, everybody kept telling me, if it’s ever gonna happen, it will happen in this magical marble floored, crystal chandeliered palace, where the gold-plated storks sing on your bedside when you’re giving birth.

Bring it on! I was psyched, yet again! I started the treatments by myself, as my husband had to stay at work back in Australia. But about two weeks into treatments, he flew over to get his part done, froze the sperm for my eggs, and flew back to work. Note. flights 5000 aussie dollars for couple of days in Estonia… But, that’s what we had to do. We went all out  on this russian roulette!

After hundreds of different injections, meds, tens of  hours of bus trips to the hospital, finally arrived the morning of the first operation day. The eggs were coming out! Then they would be fertilized with my husbands sperm, grown in lab for couple of days and popped back in as embryos.

This time I had to go to hospital all by myself. Usually my mom would join me on these delightful road trips, but this time she couldn’t get any time off from work. She has been my biggest cornerstone, amongst my husband, when it comes to overcome these treatments. So there I was… lying on my fancy-pancy luxurious private hospital room, with the pink walls, in a lotus position, chanting my mantra ” Everything will be fine”. Knock on the door interrupted my nervous meditation, and enters my doctor, also known as the head of this fancy clinic. He nervously browses through my hospital papers, and announces: “There might be a problem..” All I could think of was, “WTF! Why, Universe, Why?!”,  I thought that maybe the operation is going to be late and I’m going to have to spend the night at the hospital. But he continued, “I really don’t know how this is possible, but seems like we have lost your husband’s sperm…”. “lost my husbands sperm?”, I screamed. At this point millions of thoughts went through my head, what if they have used my husband’s sperm to accidentally fertilize some other ladies eggs? What am I going to tell everyone? what? what? what? At this point I felt like someone had punched me to my face and then thrown me off the cliff into a cockroach nest! I used every single estonian curse word that I had learnt from my not-so-well-behaved-sailor-grandfather! I cried and cried till I was dehydrated.  I yelled and screamed for two hours straight, while my husband did exactly the same on the phone all the way from Australia. All I can remember from that moment was the doctors vein on his forehead pumping ridiculously fast.

Well, eventually I settled down, and so did that doctors disturbing vein. The sperm was gone, there was nothing we could do about it. My heart was completely broken, as I was still sobbing my eyes out, while transferred into the operation room… to collect my perfectly developed eggs, and freeze them. Coming out of the anesthesia, the first thing I did, was cried. The “full-of-faith, post-operation” momentum had turned into hopelessness, fear and fury.

So one might be right to wonder, if the whole universe is working against her, when doctor apologises for errors in my treatment, that never have been done during his career. Or in a separate case, hospital apologising for unforgettable mistakes, that only happen once in a lifetime. I’d say unforgivable, but I’m a firm believer in forgiveness.

So what makes me so special to universe,that it constantly yearns to conspire against me or shower me in these disappointments?

My mum keeps telling me that these things keep happening to me cause I’m so strong. Universe wouldn’t put a weak person into situations like mine. But it doesn’t seem fair. Do I really deserve all these horrible experiences, just because I’m strong enough to handle the pain?

I’m usually the happiest person ever. I love life. I’m overly sentimental, passionate and blown away about everything. Seriously, like I mean everything. Every sunset is the prettiest sunset I’ve ever seen, and every ice-cream is the best ice cream I ever eaten. And if there is something that I don’t like, I’ll say “hmmm, well this is a little different” and carry on.

And I have been trying to be so positive during this past months, because that’s who I am. Even when it’s been so hard, I’ve pulled a smile and pretend everything is ok. I guess it’s my survival mechanism. But today,  my smile was wiped away, with a mental slap.


Later when I left the hospital, I kept running into the kindest persons. And somehow every one of those strangers brought out the best of me and made me notice how amazing life really is. A taxi driver who pulled me into the conversation about how stunning our country is, even though it’s struggling in financial crises. A lost tourist, who was so happy and relieved when I directed her on a right path and told her about all the cool things to do in our city.

All of this made me realise, that even when I’ve just faced the worst news, there is so much beauty, and even there’s no guarantee that life works out as I hope it would, there’s still reasons to smile and be happy. I just need to keep my eyes on that sunshine that arrives after the storm.

It’s so easy to confuse the path with the destination, so I need to trust that this struggle is part of a bigger process. I must trust that no matter how hopeless things seem, as long as I’m strong and push forward, I will make it and I will get what I want.

Later on the day, I started to wonder… Maybe the universe isn’t punishing me, but merely trying to tell me something. I still have the most loving husband, awesome family, wonderful friends, beautiful home, exciting travels, adventures and a job that I love. Sun is still shining and flowers are still blooming.

I do have the best support network a girl can ask for. And it’s so import to have people who care and run to comfort you, when you’re waving that flare down at your rock bottom.

I’ve been so buried into my troubles, that I’ve actually forgotten how incredibly lucky I am.


I’m starting to realize that I’m not that special. Because the universe isn’t trying to get me, it’s trying to get all of us. Everybody struggles and I have an entire floor of patients at the hospital to prove me that. Maybe the universe is just trying to make us exceptionally strong? Maybe we are just purifying from bad karma, getting the stuff out, to find the ultimate bliss?

I don’t know, but there is a lesson in this terrifying day. Shit happens… to me and to everybody else, but also really amazing things happen.

So maybe I should change my perspective from “why these horrible things happen to me?” to “what else could have happened, yet didn’t?”.

Maybe I should be thankful instead, or perhaps “thankful” is bit early to say, but not as disappointed?

So yeah, my ice-cream tub is empty, and the bed is calling. And thankfully tomorrow is a new day!!!  If you struggle with stuff too, than I hope you found some motivation in my story. If you like to leave a comment and share how you’ve found a silver lining in your difficulties, please do. We all need some inspiration.

Struggling with infertility is torture, and it’s much more tortures if you struggle alone, so talk, share and find support groups. There is millions of us struggling with the same problem, but everyone’s too scared to mention anything. When I started to tell people more openly about my worries with this matter, I noticed that there was seven other girls in my life that struggled with exact same problem. And six of them have had a IVF baby since. So there’s hope for all of us.

Stay positive and focus on the good! Peace out!

Namaste
Diana

Dia-Yoga

You are enough!

“I am perfectly imperfect” 

I’m sitting on my bed, eating ice-cream and scrolling down my Instagram account. So many stunning yogis in their most perfect poses. So many friends partying and eating most delicious food in most breathtaking places. I must admit I do feel little jealous. 

Why does comparison makes us feel insecure and incomplete?

Because we all have struggled with it all our lives, since that first art class in kindergarden to that moment where our colleague nailed that job we wanted.  

In a modern world where we are constantly pushed to be prettier, smarter and richer, it’s hard not to feel imperfect.

And it does happen to all of us, even to that super hot Instagram chick in her Ferrari. We all compare and we all get jealous. We are just humans. So what can we do to change? 
   

  

I often notice, that I compare myself to these amazing yogis that can stand on one hand for hours, and do all these things that are physically impossible to rest of us. But why do I do this to myself? Why don’t I ever compare myself to beginners, in a healthy way, and see how far I’ve gone? Or why do I even compare? I should be inspired and learn something from them, and most of all I should be proud of myself, I am gifted and unique. I should count my blessings and be happy that I can do so many things that I could not even dream about doing years ago. I seem to forget that these amazing yogis where once in exactly the same point, and if I have this burning fire inside of me, I can someday stand on one hand too…

So why do we compare the worst of us to the best of others? Cause we forget that even the best of the best have problems, weaknesses and trials in their lives. The images on the screen are not their real selves. Nobody ever posts pictures of their insecurities or themselves arguing or crying. We seem to get attached to this very angled image of someone and not even realise that we might be the person that actually has it better. 

“Every block of stone has a statue inside it and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it.” -Michelangelo 

There is also another side to comparison. The one where we think we are better than others. This one is even harder to admit, but I do find that annoying feature in myself occasionally. Especially when I see a person that doesn’t recycle or is smoking, drinking and eating junk food like there’s no tomorrow. 

But who am I to judge? What do I know of their difficulties? What do I really know about that person? Have I already forgotten that I’ve struggled with change too? 

We all have felt hopeless and weak. We all have struggled with bad habits and felt bad about ourselves. There is enough critics in this world, so we must be more understanding and supportive, as we don’t know what it’s like for that person. 
  

  
“Look in the mirror… that’s your competition!”

Compare yourself to yourself!

We are work in process so drop that self-pity and be proud of yourself! By mocking your features, whether their your looks, ambitions, brains or fitness level, you end up breaking yourself. You must know that you are capable of anything, just be brave and grow your potentials.

“How can I be better then I was yesterday?”, that’s my mantra.

Ask yourself, what have you achieved in past year? What goals have you accomplished? Have you grown?

Be proud of yourself! Think of, what are the things that you get complimented on? Maybe you are an awesome home chef, or wonderful with kids, or a ray of sunshine?

We might not end up having that supermodel body or billion dollar bank account, but when we’re mindful, happy and confident, we have something so much better.

By appreciating the qualities you already have and being grateful, you’ll build a firm foundation to a healthy confidence. And maybe one day you’ll notice that there is no need to compare yourself with others or to be approved  by anyone, as you already are the best version of yourself.

There’s beautiful little metaphorical story about comparison that I love and must share:

When you were a child, your parents used to have you standing against the wall and make a little mark on the wall to measure your growth. They didn’t measure you against the neighbours kid or a kid on tv.

So when you measure your growth, make sure you only measure your today self by your past self. If you compare your success, relationship or your anything against anyone else, you’re not being fair to you. Everybody has a different path, different pace and different challenges to face along the way. 

So shine on with your day, feeling beautiful, happy and enough. 

And next time you find yourself envying someone’s accomplishments, go inwards and try to instead genuinely celebrate their good times. Turn that jealousy into drive and get inspire!

  

 
Namaste 
Diana

Go green! 

“We are the first generation to feel the impact of climate change, and the last generation that can do something about it.” 

  
Green is my favourite colour and my favourite way of life. “Recycle, reuse and reduce” is my one of my favourite mantras. 

Over-consuming and the garbage that comes with it is a huge problem in today’s world. And even when recycling has become a regular thing in our society, most people think that their effort is meaningless and won’t make any difference. But I’m a firm believer, that every dead can make a change. It all begins from oneself. So let’s not be lazy and selfish and let’s give our beautiful planet a change to bloom also for the next generations. Look outside, to our beautiful forests and beaches, then look into your child’s eyes. Wouldn’t you wish that their child’s have the opportunity to play on pristine beaches and run around in lush wilderness. We must relies, that the future of our human race depends on one thing… On changing the way we think.

So by making conscious choices, every single one of us can make a difference, keeping in mind that even the smallest effort has a huge consequences.

I consider myself as a regular hippie-minded, tree-hugging, eco-friendly person. Recycling-addict, eating organic, not using the air-con as long as it’s humanly possible, avoiding plastic bags by bringing my own canvas bags to grocery stores, etc. but I do get that eco-quilt quit often, as there is about thousand things that I should more, and there is a few important things that are on my “to-do-to-pamper-the-earth” list. 

Shopping wisely!

On average, we toss about 10 kilos of food a month, so by making meal plans, shopping lists and avoiding impulse buys, we are saving our money and wallet. 

Don’t buy products that use excessive packaging, especially individually packed items, as it creates a huge amount of waste, over a tonne per household in a year.

Having some meatless days, just to minimise our risk of cancer, heart disease and obesity. And also minimising the suffering of earth, as meat industry causes 20% of man made greenhouse gases. Think about this, not eating a half kilo of meat saves more water than not showering for six months. 

Try to choose the locally raised, organic meat, eggs and dairy whenever you can to support your local economy. 

Avoid bottled water, as it’s expensive and causes lots of container waste. Most of the plastic water bottles has BPA in them and according to studies, people with higher levels of exposure to it have an increased risk of diabetes, obesity and cardiovascular diseases. And by the way, lots of the water bottle companies use the public water sources, you guessed it, tap water. So don’t be fooled by them. Getting a water filter and a hip aluminium water bottle is the new black! 

When shopping for clothes, don’t be a victim of a fashion industry who needs a new collection of clothes for every season. If you’re a true fashionista, you are conscious and have a capability of finding something spectacular and different from vintage shops, second hand shops or even garage sales. Being different is hot right now and will always be!

Buy furnitures made from secondhand timber and check for the gumtree or other secondhand buy and sell websites. You might find the coolest stuff for absolute nothing, by gutting off the middle man.
  
Domestically green!

If you want to be one of the cool kids, then Recycle! Not only your everyday garbage, but also your electronics, your clothes, etc. Just by recycling your paper and carton will reduce waste at your junkyard by up to 27%. 

Be energy conscious and unplug your appliances, when your not using them. 

Wash clothes in cold water and always fill the washing machine up, to save energy.

Save water and shower together, or take shorter showers. The earth, your wallet and possibly your partner will thank you for it.

Go green on your beauty care by changing into natural products. I’m the biggest coconut oil addict, there’s nothing better for your skin and hair. The fat in coconut oil helps cut back the appearance of wrinkles, and leaves your skin feeling so soft and nourished. My Ayurveda doctor also recommended to moisture my dry joints with it.

It’s a wonderful product for after-sun treatment and awesome massage oil for a romantic evening with your loved one. Having your loved one massaging you, logically. 

Get outdoorsy!

Walk or bike. It’s great for your health and great for the environment. 

Another thing that I highly respect and try to do on my morning walks at the beach is picking up rubbish and taking it to trash, the purest Karma Yoga. It’s easy to think, “not my circus, not my monkeys” but wouldn’t you have that beautiful beach rather than the egoistic attitude when your old.

Share a ride or take a public transport. It gives you time to concentrate on yourself, while reading a book, writing a blog or even meditate and saves your nerves on a rush hour.

Keep the money in your community and support locally-owned businesses. Usually businesses like that are greener and also get their products from local farms and markets. They are more unique and the service is lovely and neighbourly. For example, in our little village, there’s a health cafe called Surf Shed, the coolest place on earth. I pick that over any Starbucks. 
  

Spread the word! 

Let people know about your green choices, be honest, open and inspiring. But don’t push it or be judgemental, just let them gently know what kind of an impact our choices have on the planet. Inform them and help them understand that these are our only resources and this is our only planet.

Let your green attitude shine in your community. Volunteer to help those in need, join in planting trees or neighbourhood clean-ups! 
Consume less!

Create less waste, as the junkyards are shrinking our beautiful planet. It’s easy to think, that we throw something away and it’s gone, out of sight and out of existence. But there is no such thing as “away”, the things sent to junkyards won’t decompose, they will never return to reusable shape. It’s so sad, it’s like a graveyard of our vanity. So just go for the long-lasting quality, “use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without,”

I hope you feel already a bit cleaner, as I’m going to wrap this this story up and head outside. It’s a sunny summer day, and the wilderness is shouting my name. It’s my time to hang with Mother Earth.

Hope you have a wonderful day celebrating the beauty of our planet.

  
Namaste
Diana

Be your divine self!

I love great mythological stories of ancient goddesses. I think I got it from my father, as he adored roman mythology and named me after the goddess of woodlands, wild animals, moon and hunting, Diana. Considered that Diana was a virgin hunting goddess of childbirth, my father hit the note pretty far… As I’m against hunting, I don’t have kids and I’m definitely not a virgin.But there is something truly magical about ancient goddesses. 

Since I was a little girl I have been so inspired by the beauty of Aphrodite, the wisdom and strength of Athena, the nurturing Diana and majestic Hera. 

  
What is the essence of a goddess?

Goddess to me is someone who is big-hearted and never will she make others feel less than they are, instead she lifts them up. She is forgiving, and never judgmental. She is beautiful from inside and sees beauty in others, even though they wouldn’t see it themselves.

I think that the divine lies inside of us and all the beauty of goddesses is part of our true nature. So we should aim to use their qualities in our every day life.

There are some peoples in my life that have combined these divine qualities into their daily lives in most beautiful way. 

One of them is my beautiful mother. Her presence represents the quality of pure strength. She is the strongest woman I know. A rock to our family. A woman with a drive and with spectacular confidence in her experience. A true Viking woman. She has used the stones that life has thrown her to build a strong foundation and my admiration toward this quality is endless. 

An other divine feature in a woman is being a leader, and I must say, that I’m lucky enough to have the most amazing mother-in-law as she represents a true leader to me. She leads us towards happiness and inspires me on so many levels. She is someone that is elegant, softly spoken, and she actually speaks like the queen of England, or at least the way queen of England should speak! She’s someone who smiles sincerely and talks with kindness. She cares, and offers a shoulder to cry on. A true supporter and an encourager.

I feel so grateful to have such characters to guide me in my life.

How can I be more like Goddess in my relationship?

As the goddesses in all different cultures have shown us, we are the power that balances masculinity, we are the foundation to our husbands and families.

But to be a goddess, you must remember that you should never compete with your man, our power lies in our softness, and in our subtle way of effecting them behind the scenes. It’s our softness and intimacy that keeps melting their hearts.

We should never loose our femininity as that’s where the relationships starts to crack, the balance is gone when the partners forget that men are men and women are women. 

Don’t blame your man for not doing all these amazing things what he did, when you first met. He needs to be motivated to do these things, and the lack of motivation is something we can blame ourselves for. The biggest mistake we make is that we start to take others for granted. We rely to heavily on our man to make us happy, we become to needy and paranoid. And we are trying to stay in control by controlling our partners. Instead of being a psycho “What he does, where he goes, who’s he with?”, be supportive and nurturing, in a healthy way, not the creepy smothering way… Be the kind of a woman, that makes him feel he can accomplish anything!

There’s nothing better than movie nights while wearing your baggy overalls, cuddling on a sofa, but don’t forget to spoil him sometimes by wearing your sexiest dress, letting your hair down, spritzing on your favourite perfume and seducing him with passion and grace like on the night you first met him. 

I can remember my first date with my hubby like yesterday… I spent hours in front of the mirror getting ready for a date and had an anxiety attack every time his hand touched mine. So much fun! 

  

But of coarse no relationship is only dancing on sunflower pedals and even the sweetest couples fight. It’s ok, you fight and you learn something about that person. It’s also a way to practise forgiveness and acceptance and through making up learning to understand that your relationship is more important than your differences. But there is better ways to practise forgiveness than trying to start a fight by picking on our partners flaws.  

I must admit that I can be a little spicy sometimes, as I’m half Georgian, and have the temper of a jackal! 

And stingy things are said in anger, words we don’t mean and words that our partners definitely doesn’t deserve. So next time when you see red, hold back, count to ten, walk away and sync in with your core values and compassion.

I saw this documentary once, where a 80 year old Thai man was asked what’s his secret to 60 years of happy marriage, he replied that the talent of letting her wife be right, even though she isn’t. That’s sums it up pretty well…
“Be selective in your battles, for sometimes peace is better than being right”

Stay present! 

I used to work in a restaurant and I saw lots of couples on their dates. 

And it breaks my heart when I see a beautiful couple having a romantic dinner, scrolling down their phones, reading other people’s status updates and hardly saying anything to each other. For God’s sake… Put down the phone and look each other in the eyes! 

Even though you’ve been together for years, listen, react and stay present! Touch him, and show him that you are so lucky to be his partner. Put your whole heart into these moments, and make your spirit obvious. As your spirit is a crucial part of your appeal and it will always outshines your physical beauty. No matter how many extensions you have in your nails, eyelashes or boobs, physical beauty fades, but your spirit will always be there. And if you learn to use your your spirit right you can charm anyone. 

How to connect with our inner goddess? 

I find meditation to be the best way to get in contact with my inner goddess, to become peaceful, confident and better person. Even a 10 minute meditation per day can make a huge difference. 

So try this out:

Sit in a cross legged position or in the chair if it feels more comfortable. Find a peaceful place. 

With closed eyes and with your hands on your knees, clear your mind and take few deep breaths. Then start focusing on your breath. Breathing naturally, but noticing every inhale and exhale. If your mind starts to wonder, just bring it back to your breathing. Also focusing your mind on a mantra helps. So just repeat in your head a mantra, like ” I’m happy” or “Om”. 

Another nice one is open-eye meditation, where you place a meaningful object in front of you, preferably on your eye level, so you won’t strain your neck. It can be a candle, flower or a small divine photo or a statue and focus your gaze on it.

If your mind is busy and it’s hard to concentrate, try some awesome guided meditations on YouTube. You can set yourself a timer, as it is easy to loose the track of time. 
So that’s my little story for today, I hope you found some inspiration in it.

I’ll carry on and try my best to achieve some of the goddess like qualities. So I can be a better person, living authentically and honestly in purity, peace and charm.

Namaste

Diana